


before it gets better

by chinarai



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, I love me some Kacxa friendship please bear with me, M/M, Post-Season/Series 08, Rating May Change, Spoilers, This is the original draft, how could I forget Komelle friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2019-09-23 19:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17086595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chinarai/pseuds/chinarai
Summary: The darkness gets bigger.Never in his life had Keith thought he would have to fight for Shiro’s attention.He waits, and waits and waits. And waits some more. Lance leaves and the sun disappears below the line of the horizon, the first stars glowing in the darkened sky. Picking up on his mood shift, Kosmo places his head on Keith’s lap, stares up at him with a little whine, and Keith grits his teeth against the onslaught of negative thoughts in his head.Are you sure you’re best friends?“Come on, boy.” His voice breaks. No one is here to pick up on it. “Let’s go back.”





	1. it's time for me to fall apart

**Author's Note:**

> /chinhands/ I sure love wips. 
> 
> So this is the original draft for "one to love, and one to lose." A few people showed interest in the angsty version, and it helped me solidify the decision of posting it. With that in mind, please note some parts of this are altered or are the same as some scenes seen there, but from here on out the chapters won't be the same anymore. 
> 
> Title comes from Miss Missing You by Fall Out Boy - which is one of my favorite song of theirs. I compiled some songs from my library [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/chinarai/playlist/5ddwZABWuSEzwReXrn24qI?si=SIXwPjpnS6qSOZMB54QB9g) that may or may not fit the narrative, but they help set the mood for certain events I have planned.
> 
> Enjoy!

**.**

**_. don't panic, no, not yet ._ **

**_._ **

It’s been roughly ten days since Keith awoke after the Lions fell and crash landed on Earth, the impact rattling his brain and shaking his bones. Alone in the hospital room, Keith keeps his eyes trained on the windows, on the clear blue sky, tries to ignore the noises of the TV. Yet another rerun of Shiro’s speech, the five Lions sitting tall behind him as he speaks like the true leader he is. Keith knows all the words by heart, knows the way the camera changes to show different angles of Shiro’s determined face, the hard lines of his features pronounced on the screen.

Looking at him or hearing his voice hurts, so Keith tries to ignore it.

Shiro has been busy, according to his mom. He’s either on the move to visit rebuilding sites or in meetings and conferences with leaders from all around the world and leaders of alien species, doing whatever he can to fix the mess left in the wake of their fight against Sendak. Sometimes Keith hears of him from Allura, whom Shiro visits on a daily basis to discuss security measures to be taken regarding the Altean found within that robeast. Or hears of him from Coran, or Romelle who always comes around.

Shiro hardly visits him.

He doesn’t come over with the same frequency as he visits the Alteans, and when he shows up he stays for ten minutes at most, always busy, always with little free time to visit his own best friend. Keith tries to not let it get to him and succeeds on most days, but a little voice in his head says _are you sure you’re best friends?_

With a tired groan, he turns his back to the window and the TV. Shiro is nearing the end of his speech and soon the news anchor will make some comment about it.

They are best friends. They’ve been through thick and thin, they’ve been together for too long. Shiro wouldn’t turn his back on Keith now, wouldn’t give up on him or leave him behind after all the things they have seen and done, all the lengths they had gone to ensure each other’s safety. Shiro wouldn’t, and so Keith will continue to hold onto him for as long as he can.

Shiro is just busy, is all, is what Keith tells himself every day when the person knocking on his door turns out to be anyone but him. The Paladins come see him while they’re still confined to the hospital wing, and together they spend hours in his room playing some fantasy game with Coran as the Game Master, or they connect Pidge’s video game to the TV and try to beat Killbot Phantasm I by the end of the day. Bae Bae and Kosmo get along, going out for walks, running in the hallways, or simply curling together in the corner of the room to sleep.

Night comes and Krolia and Kolivan visit, occasionally accompanied by some new member of the Blade. His room is full of those sometimes, cramped with so many people they recruited over the course of the last months. His mom spends the night with him, and when she can’t stay, Kolivan takes her place, making residence on the large windowsill.

Keith is never alone, but he feels lonely.

Two weeks later he’s given clearance to leave. It’s a slow walk to the room he is to share with his mom, but a breath of fresh air is good and welcomed. Physiotherapy sessions are already scheduled to start the next day and he’s looking forward to it. Never had he missed the Altean healing pods as much as he does now.

His few personal belongings still remain where he last left them. Keith takes a shower and looks for something to keep his mind occupied, reclines on his bed with a game of sudoku he finds on his datapad. It’s boring and he ends up falling asleep only to wake up an hour later with a trail of dried drool on the corner of his mouth and his datapad beeping softly to remind him of his plans for the afternoon. His chest still feels tight with something he can’t name.

Keith dresses in the Garrison uniform for the first time in weeks. He’s getting tired of so much orange everywhere, but Romelle designed new Paladin uniforms for them in the time spent in the hospital and just recently he got his measures taken. Last he heard, she was looking for fabric all around the markets and had found a group of people to help her sew all of the uniforms in time for launch day.

Accompanied by Kosmo, who grows bigger every day, Keith leaves the room and wanders the halls, glad to finally be able to leave Garrison grounds. He had been making plans with his mom, and after a quick exchange of texts earlier today upon learning of his discharge, they settled on a good time for her. The Blade of Marmora has been helping rebuild broken parts of the Garrison.

She’s waiting for them just outside the main building, dressed in the Blade of Marmora senior suit. It compliments her much better than the battle gear of the Empire ever could. Krolia’s posture and expression soften when she spots them, feet carrying her closer, leaving them all standing under the harsh summer sun. Kosmo eagerly bumps his head into her hand, asking for pets and scratches. She smiles down at him briefly before returning her gaze to Keith.

“How are you feeling?”

Instead of heading off to where the Garrison issued vehicles are parked, Kosmo teleports them there. Walking to the places they have to go would have been preferred, but summer in Arizona is less than kind, and for the sake of spending more time together they’re taking one of the cars and not making use of Kosmo’s very convenient ability.

“Much better. Physiotherapy is going great and soon I’ll be able to exercise.” Keith nods at the guard in the garage and takes the key he's offered. “Can’t wait to be able to train again.”

He drives, because of course he does. Kosmo sticks his head out the window on the backseat, tongue lolling and eyes squinted against the wind. Krolia messes with the radio, finds an old station that plays a song that tug at their heartstrings. She smiles sadly, leaning back on her seat. Keith grips the steering wheel tighter.

“He loved this song.” She says and he nods silently. Keith remembers his dad humming it, singing him to sleep, whispering the lyrics under his breath as he fixed another leak in their house. Heath never disclosed the true reason why his mother left, probably was waiting for Keith to grow older to reveal the truth, but died before he could. He never stopped loving her.

Keith knows the lyrics by heart, had found himself singing it multiple times after his dad’s passing, always cutting himself short and glaring at the wall, bitter and hurt that life took away from him his two most important people.

_Here's a rabbit foot, take it when you go, so you'll always know you're safe from harm._

Keith had sung this, too, after Shiro had left for Kerberos and in all the months that followed the fateful _pilot error_.

“He did,” he agrees after some time, making a careful turn towards the markets. “What’s the story behind it?”

“Nothing too exciting,” Krolia laughs, turning her face towards the blurred scenery. “He had turned the radio on one night and the song played as he was cooking. A small performance ensued and he tried to teach me how to dance.”

“That’s very sweet.” His heart hurts just from thinking about it. “He sang it every day.”

The song ends before they reach the market, and with it that particular topic ends too. Minutes later he’s parking the car and they’re venturing into the busy streets, merchants announcing their products and prices, gesturing at the items on display and clapping their hands to catch their attention. Krolia sweeps her gaze around and finds what she’s looking for in a stall run by Arusians. No surprise there as Arus was the most fertile of planets the Paladins visited. Keith thinks he might recognize this one alien, but isn’t sure.

With the simple flower arrangement in hand, they go elsewhere. The drive is quiet and Keith still remembers what path to take even after years of not walking down these streets. He can hardly remember when the last time was that he visited the graveyard, but he’s immensely grateful that it wasn’t destroyed in the battle.

The setting sun paints their faces golden as they walk past the rusted open gates. They’re the only ones here, moving silently through rows until Keith stops before the right grave, a crack running along its side from all the beating Earth was subjected to during the fight. It’s simple, his father’s name written above his date of birth and of passing. _Loving father. Died a hero._ It had taken him time to accept the fact his dad died saving others and left him behind.

Krolia slowly kneels down before the grave, white blooms cradled in her arms. Keith stands behind her, and Kosmo behind him, looking out for any signs of danger. She traces his name with her fingertips, and her hands have never looked as delicate as they do now. He places his own on her shoulders, ignores the slight quivering of her frame as he addresses the stone.

“Hey, pop. Look who’s back.”

.

**_. I know I'm the one you want to forget ._ **

**_._ **

Acxa finds him a month later in the gym. The physiotherapist is watching him from the bench, datapad in hand to keep track of the progress he's doing. She tells him to take a break and leaves the room once Acxa makes her presence known by knocking on the already open door.

Keith dabs his face clean of sweat with a fluffy towel, walking over to the bench for a drink of water from his bottle. “When did you arrive?”

“Last night.” She stops a distance away from him. “Heard Earth needed a hand with rebuilding efforts and hitched a ride with some Unilus.”

Wiping away droplets from his chin with the back of his hand, he lifts a brow. “Did they ask for anything absurd in exchange?”

“You know they did.” She smirks slightly. “But I'm a great barterer.”

Capping his water bottle again, Keith sets it aside and crosses his arms loosely. “So what do you need?”

Acxa keeps her posture open, hands by her sides and expression honest. “I want to help you in your fight.”

Keith doesn't want to doubt her good intentions after what she's done for them, but as leader he needs to be a little skeptical. “You want to fight alongside us?”

“If possible, yes.” Acxa takes a step closer and lifts her hands. “I want this war to be over. It's stretched on for far too long.”

It's a sentiment they all can relate to and Keith wants to believe she's not lying. Help in this fight is welcomed, even if it's just one extra pair of hands. Still…

“I'll have to talk to Shiro about it.” He replies, tugging at the ends of the towel slung around his neck. “The Atlas could use another fighter.”

Acxa offers him a smile, a tilt of her lips and gently creased eyes. “I appreciate it. Thank you.”

She leaves shortly after and the physiotherapist returns to oversee his workout. Keith can't really focus on it anymore, nor enjoy it, so he does the bare minimum until it's over and he can hide in one of the shower cubicles.

Truth is, he hasn't been able to spend any time with Shiro these past days due to preparations for launch and planning their next steps. Sometimes the most Keith will see or hear of him is just in passing, a quick hello as Shiro moves along to his next meeting. Try as he might, Keith can’t not feel hurt by it, but Shiro has a role to play here as Keith does, so he tries to not be bothered by any of it.  

It doesn’t seem like he can ignore her request though, so he showers and dresses up and drags the moment out by checking on the other Paladins and hunts Romelle down to see the progress she has made with their uniforms. Before long, he’s standing outside his office, about to knock when laughter makes him freeze, Shiro’s own joining shortly after. It’s not a voice he’s familiar with and something inside him seizes. When it feels like too long has passed, he forces himself to knock on the door.

The man standing in Shiro’s office is someone from the bridge crew he’s seen in passing before. No one Keith can connect a name to the face though, but his cheeks are flushed and his eyes are bright - or were until Keith interrupted them. Shiro looks at Keith, smile still in place, and there’s nothing else that Keith loves more than seeing Shiro happy, but this doesn’t sit well for some reason. Keith nods at the man and steps further into the room, aware that he steps out if the way until he's close to the wall.

“Anything I can help you with?” His tone is light, a little professional. Keith would have liked to hear his name in Shiro’s voice again, hasn’t heard it in days.

“I’d like to discuss something with you.” Keith rests his hands on the backrest of the chairs across Shiro’s desk. “About a potential new crew member for the Atlas.”

Shiro lifts a brow. “Who would it be?”

“Acxa.”

The stylus Shiro has been twirling in his fingers flies away from his grasp, clatters on the ground and rolls away from his reach. Before Keith can retrieve it, the man is scurrying after it, swooping low to pick it up and depositing it back on the table like it’s a delicate thing.

Shiro looks from Keith to the other man in the room. “Can you leave us, Curtis?”

Curtis excuses himself with a mumble and a dip of his head. Shortly after, Shiro gestures for him to sit, and Keith feels oddly out of place sitting here in his office, dressed in orange whilst Shiro is dressed in dark grey. For a moment it’s like they’re back in time, but even that glimpse of the past isn’t true, because never once had Shiro put them in this position, separated by a table that defines who has the higher rank.  

“What was that about Acxa? Is she here?”

Keith nods, fisting the fabric of his pants in his hands. “She arrived recently and wants to help us. There isn’t much she can do with the Paladins, but I figured... Maybe she could lend a hand in the Atlas.”  

Shiro purses his lips, tapping the stylus on the desk, a furrow on his brow. “Do you trust her?”

“She seems genuine.” Keith replies honestly. It’s too early to say whether or not he would trust her with his life. “She helped us before and she’s come this far. I wish I wouldn’t doubt her intentions, but after everything that’s happened…”

“There’s still time before the launch.” Shiro muses with a slight shrug of his shoulders. “You can get her to help around here first, and then she can join us if she proves to be trustworthy.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Thank you.”

Keith sits there for some brief seconds, looking at Shiro and feeling much too awkward. The datapad beeps but it goes ignored. This is where they would talk about something, anything else to lighten the mood, just a little exchange of words that would brighten their days. But Shiro doesn’t say anything, just watches him in a way Keith can’t describe.

Not wanting to put himself through anymore of this, Keith stands as he clears his throat. “Thanks, I - I’ll get going.”

Shiro parts his lips, closes them, and speaks again after letting out a soft sigh. “Yes. Good luck with your duties.”

“Thanks.” Keith doesn’t know why that bothers him so much. “You too.”

.

_**. cue all the love to leave my heart .** _

_**.** _

Between training and endless meetings before launch, free time becomes a luxury. If Keith isn’t at the physiotherapist’s clinic, he’s at the gym, if not there then he’s running drills with the Paladins and training alongside the MFE-pilots. Most of the time he’s in conference rooms. He hardly has time to breathe and hardly ever speaks to people about anything other than their counterattack.

He hasn’t seen Shiro properly in months. They sit close during meetings, but sometimes it seems like he doesn’t notice Keith is there. Shiro leaves the room to tend to other matters and Keith has his own things to do. Keith misses their familiarity, their jokes and the few quiet moments they used to spend together to cool down after a long day. He craves for a minute of Shiro’s free time.

Keith hears of Shiro from other people rather than from the man himself, who’s devoting all of his time to put an end to this madness. It’s a bad habit that refuses to leave him, it seems, even years after his breakup with Adam. Work before interpersonal relationships - the only issue is that Shiro had never put work before Keith, and he doesn’t know what to do now that he’s in this position.

Never in his life had Keith thought he would have to fight for Shiro’s attention.

For Keith, distractions come in the form of Acxa helping the Blades reconstruct the small town near the Garrison. Kolivan and Krolia are usually the ones that supervise her, relaying to Keith later how she’s behaving and what she’s doing. Acxa does what she’s told without complaint, throwing her all into it.

She joins the Paladins and MFEs for training in the gym, spars with them, both teaching and learning new techniques. Others seem hesitant to approach her, but Keith dares say the two of them get along well. She’s got honorable morals and he’s glad she’s decided to join their side. He knows now why Lotor had made her his most trusted general.

When Keith does have free time, he tries to spend it with his mom, sometimes with the other paladins if he can. Shiro would be his first option usually, but given how busy he’s been and taking into consideration the increasing distance between them, Keith doesn’t want to bother him. Krolia doesn’t ask him about Shiro, and he knows she doesn’t have to. In every line of his face, she can read how this distance is affecting him, every tense muscle of his body screams of his desire to be with him. She doesn’t say anything, lets him fight his own battles because she believes in him, but Keith welcomes her warm, tight hugs when Krolia offers those. They offer a different kind of comfort, but are just as good.

Keith spends most of one afternoon arranging his few belongings in his new room in the IGF-Atlas, moving things from one place to the other in some kind of nervous tick, just to keep busy. Kosmo watches him from where he’s occupying most of his bunk, flicking his ears like he can hear what goes on in Keith’s head.

At long last, after five months, preparations are finished and they’re all set to leave on the following day. One last meeting and Keith thinks he will finally get what he needs and wants.

“Be with the ones you love.”

Shiro looks at him then and nothing else needs to be said. With a simple nod, they go on their ways, their plans made through simple eye contact. Keith is glad they haven’t lost their ability to communicate that way, a symbol that all of this can be fixed. Shiro will know where to find him, he knows where their spot is.

His spirits lift with that and it’s easy to live through the day with something to look forward to. Krolia notices his brighter mood and pulls him into an one-armed hug as they walk together to the mess hall, cheek pressed to the top of his head. They spend the afternoon together, emotionally preparing for another parting, visiting the graveyard one last time and spending most of their time there talking to his father’s stone.

“Call me if anything happens,” Krolia says, eyes focused on her busy fingers braiding long blades of grass together.

Keith folds his legs, bringing them close to his chest. “I can do that, but you’ll be too far away to help.”

“Maybe I can’t be there to hurt anyone that hurts you, but you can talk to me if something’s bothering you.” She gives him a pointed look, and he’s honestly surprised she decided to bring this up. “Tell me what’s happening.”

He looks down at his boots. She likes Shiro, and Keith doesn’t want to give her any reason to not like him. He shakes his head. “We’ve been busy with preparations. Once this is over, things will go back to how they were.”

Krolia reaches for him, kneads the back of his neck in a comforting gesture that makes his shoulder sag, the braids of grass unravelling by her feet. “I know he hasn’t been spending time with you. Maybe you should talk to him about it.” She whispers, voice gentle. “If anything happens, let me know. I worry for you, Keith.”

“Thanks, mom, I’ll keep it in mind.” He leans into her side. “After today, things will change.”

Back in Garrison grounds, she pets Kosmo one last time and pulls Keith into another hug before they part ways for good. Too excited to finally spend some time with Shiro, Keith has the wolf teleport him to the Black Lion’s hangar and runs up her mouth before it’s even fully open, settling on the pilot chair and zipping out into the desert as fast as he can. He reaches their spot in minutes, breathless at the prospect of sitting back with Shiro to watch the change of colors, their sides pressed together.

He threads his fingers through Kosmo’s thick fur, bearing the heat of the desert without complaint and finding relief in the occasional breeze that cools down his flushed skin. There was a time when the sun didn’t bother him, but too much time spent in space has made him unaccustomed with it.

Keith’s posture slouches as time passes, that odd feeling spreading through his chest the more Shiro takes his time to arrive. The sun is setting by the time Lance shows up, dressed in something ridiculous for his date with Allura. He doesn’t point out that Keith is out here alone and he’s grateful for that, keeping the conversation focused on Lance’s plans for the evening. Keith is genuinely happy for the both of them, even if his heart tugs harder after every minute that passes.

He waits, and waits and waits. And waits some more. Lance leaves and the sun disappears below the line of the horizon, the first stars glowing in the darkened sky. Picking up on his mood shift, Kosmo places his head on Keith’s lap, stares up at him with a little whine, and Keith grits his teeth against the onslaught of negative thoughts in his head.

_Are you sure you’re best friends?_

“Come on, boy.” His voice breaks. No one is here to pick up on it. “Let’s go back.”

Inside the cockpit, Black rumbles gently in his mind, a low purr meant to cheer him up. Keith smiles and touches the console in gratitude, but it still feels like he was shot in the chest. He pilots her back to the Atlas with a lot less energy than usual, hides in there until the pain subsides and he can think as clearly as his muddled brain will let him. The hangar is empty and no one witnesses when his feet stumble on themselves. Kosmo trost close to him, concerned.

Few people linger in the Atlas, most of them heeding the admiral’s words and going out to spend the night with loved ones. Keith was supposed to be one of those, but it seems Shiro had other plans. Probably got caught up with work okay. He’ll make up for it. Won’t he?

Keith doesn’t notice he’s wandering down a familiar hallway, should’ve known his feet would bring him here even without the conscious choice. The door whooshes open and Curtis from the bridge crew steps out of the office, followed by Shiro. No one else exits after them. They’re alone. Once again they’re laughing, grins wide. Shiro retracts his hand from Curtis’s shoulder and reaches into the inner pocket of his uniform, pulls out his datapad, smile falling from his face when he looks at the time.

“Oh shit.”

Keith’s heart drops to his feet.

Kosmo’s whine catches the men’s attention, his wet snout pressing into Keith’s palm. Curtis looks at him in surprise, but Shiro is horrified, slack-jawed and wide eyed, a million apologies in his brown eyes. Keith doesn’t know how he must look like now, chest hollow and heart shattered in pieces, and he’d rather not find out, taking an instinctive step back when Shiro steps forward, watching as his lips part to speak.

_Are you sure you’re best friends?_

He doesn’t want to hear it.

It’s a good thing Kosmo is so attuned to his feelings. One moment they’re there staring at Shiro realizing his mistake, realizing that he stood Keith up, the next they’re in a room they both know too well.

“Keith?”

Krolia jumps up from the couch, crossing the room in quick, large steps and touching his arms, his face and his shoulders, eyes searching his own. He grips the loose fabric of her pajamas, looks up and tries to speak, but a broken sob is all that leaves him. She gathers him up in her arms and shushes him, sinking down together to the floor. Kosmo stays as close as he can, whining gently and licking his face, doing his best to cheer him up.

“It’s going to be okay, Keith,” her fingers caress his hair, and he clings to her words. “It’s going to be okay.”

He doesn’t know how long they stay there, doesn’t know when Krolia takes his body, both boneless and heavy, to the bed, doesn’t realize she’s running a wet cloth to his face until she’s done. Surprisingly, he’s shed no tears, but his eyes burn like he’s just cried them out. The knot in his throat makes it hard to breathe, an imaginary boulder in his chest constricting his ribs.

Keith doesn’t sleep. His mom lies to his left and Kosmo to his right, both curled around him. She has yet to stop petting his hair, and Kosmo licks the back of his hand every few minutes. He stares at the wall, unseeing, unblinking, too numb to think or try to make sense of the situation.

Shiro had lost track of time - but he was with someone else. And that - that hurts the most.

_Are you sure you’re best friends?_

No, Keith answers back, closing his eyes and hoping to find reprieve from this nightmare in his dreams. Truth is, he’s not sure they’re best friends anymore. Hasn’t been sure in a long time.

.

**_. it's time for me to fall apart ._ **

**_._ **


	2. the darkness gets bigger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I didn't mention in the last notes, but I'll just brush over things that do happen in the episodes. As in: I won't retell it with lots of detail, mostly because I can't stand to watch everything once again. The focus here is how Keith feels for maximum sadness. I'm looking forward to when I'm done with the canon part of this, which will hopefully be over in the next chapter. Whew. 
> 
> Sorry for taking so long with replying, I'm a ball of anxiety. Also, I signed up for quite a lot of events, so I can't promise when this will be updated, but I'll be working on it in the sidelines (along with my 9638262 wips)
> 
> Thanks to Yuu for putting with me talking about my fics all damn day long, and thanks to Mari for reading this and making sure it's okay. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**.**

**_. love of my life ._ **

**_._ **

Keith jolts awake some time later, exhausted like he’s pulled an all-nighter. Tired to his bones, he shoves his face into Kosmo’s fur, eyes still hurting and burning from last night’s emotional episode. Save for a sliver of light that seeps through a gap of the door, the room is dark, sparing his eyes from additional discomfort.

The mattress shifts, Krolia now sitting on its edge and gently coaxing him to sit up against the headboard. She presses a glass of cool water in his left hand, and a small aspirin in his right. Her fingers caress his hair, soothing him as he tips it back and swallows.

“Got this from the hospital wing,” she says, lifting a tiny bottle of eye-drops, and he tilts his head back obediently. Keith isn’t surprised his eyes are bloodshot, but with this the redness should fade. “Got your uniform, too. Rest.”

He nods, lying back down on his side once more. He doesn’t question how she got it from his room in the Atlas. Even without Kosmo, his mom could find her way in and out unnoticed if she so desired.

The mattress shifts as she settles beside him again, and this time he manages to get some real sleep, however brief it lasts. Pastel pink paints the sky when he awakens, fighting to unglue his heavy eyelids. They feel swollen, and he hopes that really is not the case. Pushing away from Kosmo’s dozing form, Keith reaches for the eyedrops again, squeezing his eyes shut against the slight sting.

It’s quiet. He can hear the low, almost imperceptible voice of the newscaster coming from the TV in the living room, recalling events that led up to today. Slipping into the bathroom before the woman can mention any names, he shuts the door and waits for the water to heat up, undressing in the meantime. Keith takes a look at his reflection and holds back a grimace. As much as he feels like vomiting and rubbing his eyes until they’re raw, doing either would only make everything worse.

Keith stands under the hot spray of water for a long time, eventually lowering himself to sit on the tiled floor when his legs seem incapable of holding him upright for a moment longer, resting his chin on bent knees and blinking droplets out of his eyes. A slight scratching catches his attention seconds before Kosmo pops into the room and presses his snout to the closed glass stall. Keith smiles at the gesture and slowly picks himself up.

Dressed in a simple change of clothes Krolia left for him outside the bathroom door, he wanders into the tiny kitchen space to find his mom pouring coffee into a mug and setting it beside a plate of toasts and scrambled eggs. Keith slides onto the stool and leans heavily on the counter, head braced in his hands.

“Do you want another aspirin?”

It feels like his head is a ticking bomb waiting to blow. “Please.” He washes it down with a glass of water not thirty seconds later and forces himself to eat breakfast. Krolia combs his damp hair with her hands as he pushes the food around and nibbles on it occasionally. Eating half the eggs and almost an entire piece of toast feels like a victory.

She turns the TV off when they relocate to the living room, pushing Keith down until his head is on her lap and she’s twirling his dark locks around her fingers. Kosmo tries to fit in the space behind the back of Keith’s knees and the backrest, laying his head on Keith’s hip and huffing when his hand reaches over to pat the space wolf. His heart slows down its erratic pace just enough to allow Keith to take a nap.

“Keith.” He wakes up to Krolia gently shaking him. “We need to go.”

Right. As much as he would rather become one with the couch or the bed until he’s feeling whole again, he can’t. Keith is needed somewhere, has a role to play as Black Paladin, has to help save the universe. Krolia watches him go to the bedroom to change, then joins him to tug at the lapels of his uniform and smooth the fabric on his shoulders.

“Take Kosmo with you, yeah? It’ll do you good to have him around.” As if prompted, the wolf pushes his head into Keith’s palm. “Do you remember your speech?”

He does. He memorized it long ago when his anxiety over being forgotten got too much to bear. It’s a good thing he did, too, for Keith wouldn’t be able to rehearse it in his current state. He doesn’t tell Krolia that.

Kolivan waits for them in the hallway, the other Blades already on their way to the launch site. While he thinks Krolia wouldn’t have told Kolivan what happened, the hand he places on Keith’s shoulder feels comforting. These days Kolivan shows more emotion on his face than he did in all the months Keith’s known him, and Keith thinks the man deserves to express himself more openly after everything that’s happened to the Blades.

The launch site is already crowded by the time they arrive. Krolia hugs him one last time before they have to part and Keith heads for the Atlas, heart in his throat. Among these people he won’t run into Shiro, and by now he knows all the less used hallways that lead to the Black Lion’s hangar. In the safety of Black’s cockpit, Keith grips the controls and lets the Lion fuss over him, her rumbling noise in his head nearly reverberating through his bones.

He is the third to land a Lion on the temporary stage for the speech, Green and Blue already standing proud. Chatter increases in volume once he steps out of Black, excited faces pointing fingers at her and snapping pictures from a fairly close distance. Pidge and Allura stand between Green’s front paws, Pidge with a thoughtful frown on her face and Allura staring at the ground, arms crossed.

“Is something wrong?”

They startle at his words, Pidge doing so with a muffled yelp. Allura squares her shoulders like she’s about to deliver terriblenews. “We have reason to believe Honerva is behind that attack.”

“It makes sense.” Last they heard of her was when she corrupted Shiro’s clone and forced him to attack them, literal years ago. “I would be surprised if it weren’t. What’s the plan?”

“The same as before,” Pidge grumbles, crossing her arms tightly. “Allura said Shiro doesn’t want to change our current plan.” The princess nods to further reinforce the statement. In a gesture of nervousness, she wrings her hands before her navel, brow creased.

That is uncharacteristic of Shiro, but then again Keith doesn’t know if he _knows_ Shiro anymore. “We’ll have to do our best, then.” No one knows what to expect from this, so all they can do is keep their guards up and be prepared.

Hunk is the next to land the Lion, then finally Lance. Allura confides to them the findings of both Coran and Romelle. Lance tries to comfort her, more downcast than Keith’s ever seen, shyly reaching out for her to link their pinkies together. It’s worrying to go out into space knowing Haggar is somewhere out there, probably watching and tracking each and every step they take. They don’t even know where to begin looking for her.

With little time left for the speech and launch, Keith doesn’t want to sit idle in a place where he can be easily found. He’s not ready to talk about last night, even if the voice in his head says they never will. Keith would rather die than breach the topic, and maybe in the past Shiro would approach him about it, but now he isn’t so sure anymore. They’ve never talked about the clone situation.

He’s about to leave when Shiro approaches the group, looking twice as wide in his new uniform, stopping right across from him. Keith’s heart aches just by looking at him, all the hurt he had managed to push aside now running back to the forefront of his mind. Shiro is alone this time, unaccompanied by that crewmember whose name Keith forgot once again, but being alone doesn’t make it any better.

Even if he knows it was unintentional, Keith’s hurting. Is he not good enough for Shiro anymore?

“Paladins, I was looking for you.” Keith wonders if the others find it unsettling too, how Shiro hardly calls them by name these days. If only he would tell Keith what he issue is, but he’s barely looking him in the eye. “I want to go over our plan one last time.”

Shiro speaks, and Keith honestly can’t pay attention to any of the words he says. Now that the idea has wormed its way into his brain, Keith can’t let it go. Did he fuck it up somehow? Maybe Shiro has finally seen Keith could never live up to be a good Black Paladin like Shiro had been, and now he’s disappointed. Keith will never be good enough. Is this what this is about?

Shiro said he would never give up on him, yet the distance between them grows every day and feels more and more like a chasm. Keith entered the Quantum Abyss as one person, and exited as another, more confident in his abilities, surer of himself, stronger, mature. Now he feels like he’s back to being the boy who left Voltron for believing he wasn’t needed anymore.

“Keith!”

He jolts, nearly jumps out his skin. Keith thinks they might have noticed he was spacing out, but all of them are looking at Romelle walking briskly in their direction. In the days that led up to reaching the Castle of Lions, Keith learned to read her well enough. Under the concern that creases her brow, he sees determination burning in her eyes. She’s up to something.

“Hi, excuse me, Captain.” Romelle squeezes herself in the space between Shiro and Hunk, jostling both men to the side slightly. “Keith, I need your help.”

“Sure,” he’s already walking in her direction, all eyes on him. “What do you need?”

She loops a hand through his arm and tugs him in the general direction of the Atlas. Keith thinks he catches Shiro inhaling to speak, but Romelle is quick to talk over him. “Actually, I think I should show you.”

Waving a hand around and blabbering streams of sentences that don’t make sense, Romelle doesn’t stop until they’re inside the Atlas. It’s then that she shuts her mouth and pulls away with a big smile on her face. Keith lifts an inquisitive eyebrow, which makes her giggle.

“So I take it you don’t actually need help.”

“I don’t, but looked like you needed a hand.” Her grin diminishes as she speaks. “Are you okay?”

Would it be good to have someone else to confide your worries, someone that isn’t Krolia? Probably. Lance used to complain all the time, called it “venting”, and truly seemed better afterwards. “Yeah, I am.” Keith says instead. “Didn’t sleep much, and just heard about Haggar.”

Romelle squints at him, hands propped on her hips. He learned how the read her, yes, and so did she. Right now she doesn’t believe him at all, but will let it slide because she knows when to push and when to step back. “Okay. If you need anything, let me know.”

“Thank you.” He smiles at her. “Now, we should probably go back for the speech.”

.

_**. you've hurt me .** _

_**.** _

At first, they follow the path set for this trip. They travel through galaxies looking for planets dominated by the Galra, and answer to every distress signal, no matter how small their issue can be. It’s going to be a long journey aboard the Atlas, and no matter how fast the ship travels or how far they jump, nothing is going to make them return to Earth sooner than planned.

Keith doesn’t stay in the bridge for longer than necessary. He may be the pilot of the Black Lion and as such understands how important his role as leader is, but he has no desire to stay in the same space as Shiro. He tried the first few days, made himself comfortable in a spot by Shiro’s side and tried to engage him in a conversation, tried to return to what they used to be, but Shiro’s replies were short, his smiles were empty, and he never looked directly at Keith. He never apologized, too. So Keith stopped lingering. They didn’t always stay in the bridge in the Castle of Lions, anyway.

The training room has always been his preferred place to hide in the Garrison or the Castle of Lions, so it’s only natural that Keith will find some peace in there. He’s not always alone, though. Romelle will literally hunt him down if needed, and he thinks Krolia might have asked her to keep an eye on him, but he can’t be sure and he doesn’t ask. She’s a good sparring partner, needs some help with her form and technique, but lands a mean punch that could crack some bones. He teaches her self defense, little things that will help her in case she’s being followed or cornered, and it makes him feel better knowing she can be safer.

If not Romelle, it’s Acxa. Keith sees in her things he used to do, and still does sometimes, the distance he put between him and his peers, the self-imposed isolation. Because they’re similar, she becomes easy to read, and he can see past her stoicness to understand each curve and tilt of her mouth, naming it accordingly to the situation. It’s no surprise that he’s the one that talks to her the most, that invites her to sit with the Paladins for meals or leaves his seat to join her table. Allura helps to make her feel welcomed, and slowly the other Paladins warm up to her presence.

Keith doesn’t spend much time with Lance and Allura when they’re together, but he spars with them when possible, never wins against Allura and mostly one-ups Lance. When he’s too tired to train and doesn’t feel like hiding in his bedroom or an observation deck, he helps Hunk with his newest recipe, or joins him and Pidge in one of their engineering adventures. Sometimes she will take him to her mother’s lab, and though Keith doesn’t know enough about phytology and science to be helpful, Colleen always finds something for him to do. Tending to tiny saplings of juniberries calms him down.

Around six days after launch, they encounter the first planet under Galra control, Ryker. No one is surprised by the hostile greeting, the Atlas’s shield dispelling the laser beams that make contact, and Keith is leading the Paladins through the combat. The MFEs are dispatched to aid with the Galra fighters, opening up a path for a support team led by Matt. Voltron is formed once most fighters are taken down and swiftly brings the fight to an end after long stressful minutes.

Part of the Atlas crew supervisionize the Galra, adds their name and basic info to a database while Colleen leads a small team, gives them water and patches them up if needed. Romelle is among these people, carrying gauze and rolls of bandages in a bag when they pass her on their way to the bridge.

The MFEs have them subdued when they arrive, Griffin and Kinkade flanking the leader of this base, a tall male Galra dressed in red armor. The Paladins do know him given the way Hunk talks to him with familiarity, but even if both teams worked together once, Warlord Lahn makes it clear they are not on the same side. His animosity is etched on his face, and he speaks of Voltron like it’s something he should have never trusted, even momentarily.

Shiro drops that topic and goes to the point, mentions the Coalition, tries to get Lahn to join their side with a few words. No Galra was ever known for giving in easily or surrendering, though, so it’s to be expected that he brings up Victory or Death. And Lahn, as it turns out, isn’t above throwing insults.

“The mutinous Blade of Marmora all perished. Are they so diminished in numbers that they’re forced to enlist a half-breed and his mommy?”

Keith grits his teeth so hard it hurts. Krolia - his mother is the strongest woman he knows. She survived a crash, infiltrated the Empire and climbed up the ranks, became a valuable member of Ranveig’s fleet and minded his base on his behalf once he’d left. Lahn can say whatever he wants about Keith, but to dare insult his mother is a great offense.

“Incoming transmission!” Pidge’s voice shatters the silence. They turn to where she’s standing by the console with her brother, and Keith wills away his anger.

A plan is formed. Lahn is going with them to inspect the source of the distress signal and retrieve any survivors they can find. A loud whistle later, Kosmo teleports into the room and Keith has him take Lahn to the Black Lion. A wave of satisfaction surges through him as the warlord hesitates at the sight of lips curled back to reveal sharp, gleaming teeth, and Kosmo growls softly, but threateningly at him, spine curled and stance ready to attack.

Shiro walks away to join Matt by the console, and the Paladins prepare to head out once again. “I’m glad the transmission came when it did,” Pidge says, attracting curious glances from the rest of the team. “I mean - that thing he said to Keith?”

“Yeah, I kinda expected Shiro to say something.” Hunk muses, eyebrows pinched in confusion.

“It’s strange that he didn’t,” Lance says, and Allura nods in agreement to his left. “Did you guys fight?”

Keith doesn’t know if it would’ve been easier to handle this situation if they had had a disagreement. “Just focus on the mission, guys.”

It’s not enough to get the Paladins to forget they ever touched this topic, but it’s enough to make them back off for now. Kosmo keeps Warlord Lahn in place with bared teeth and narrowed eyes until they reach the wreckage of what once had been a fleet of Galra cruisers, and they board Klytax V-Three in search of the origin of signals Pidge detected. In an eerily silent, creepy and dark place, with broken sentries floating about and deep grooves in the walls, it doesn’t take long to figure out there’s something very wrong.

The culprit soon shows itself, an eyeless beast with unruly mane, a long tail and two pairs of arms, one visibly bigger and stronger than the other. Its powers are mysterious as it’s able to manipulate sentries and shoot a purple beam at Keith, mouth full of dull, but big teeth. Strong and fast, undoubtedly capable of crushing his skull with little effort. If it weren’t for Kosmo, Keith probably wouldn’t leave the place alive.

His suspicions are shown to be true when Lahn confirms the fleet was sent to Ranveig’s base, and so they find themselves with a bigger problem in their hands. “Mom and I let it loose to escape,” he says, and never once does Lahn set his dislike for them aside, coming up with snarky retorts, until the beast finds them. That’s when they begin working together, mostly to ensure the both of them will get out of here alive, the countdown ticking closer to zero the more they struggle against the beast. It’s how Keith unlocks a new ability with his bayard, and it allows them to escape just in the knick of time.

It seems to be enough to get Lahn to join their side, and a brief speech, his underlings agree to follow him into the Coalition. Keith wanders around looking for something to do, wanting to keep moving so he won’t crash from the exhaustion that’s already sinking into his bones. He helps Romelle return the medical equipment to their place until Pidge summons the Paladins in the bridge of the Atlas to relay the information she downloaded from the cruiser. They’re not uplifting.

“There might be another one of Honerva’s beasts out there.”

Once again, Allura asks Shiro to change their plans accordingly to the new bits they learned, but he seems reluctant to do it. Keith can’t understand why Shiro is being so... Difficult to work with lately, and he suspects he won’t find out the real reason soon. It prompts Keith to speak without thinking.

Even as he says it, he feels stupid. Splitting up has never been Voltron's way and bad things tend to happen when they do; take Keith and Allura leaving the Castle of Lions as an example. But he's tired, tired of the gnawing feeling eating away at his insides and tired of being overlooked by Shiro, so when the man in question agrees with the plan after just a simple objection, Keith isn't all that surprised, though it hurts just as much as it would have had it hit him from the left field.

“We leave early in the day cycle.” Keith is already turning towards the door of the bridge. “Don’t forget to pack.”

It isn’t his smoothest exit, but Keith feels that he can’t stay awake for much longer. He hasn’t been sleeping well since before their last night on Earth, and this mission was tiresome enough to guarantee he’ll at least pass out as soon as he lies on his bed. Sending off a message and setting up an alarm are the last things Keith does before falling asleep, and it’s blissfully dreamless, no image of lonely sunsets and a broad back turned to him to haunt his night.

In the morning, he packs a few changes of clothes and toiletries; more of his Paladin armor is already kept in a compartment of the Black Lion. Kosmo stays curled in bed until Keith is ready to leave, and slowly unfurls to stretch and yawn widely. Keith’s communicator pings as he exits the room, a call from Krolia.

“Good morning, Keith.” She answers to his greeting, eyes soft in the way that’s reserved just for him. Her face is dimly lit, darkness around her. It must be some ungodly hour where she is now. “Any reason why you’re awake so early?”

“We’re splitting up so Voltron can investigate these new robeasts. We can’t keep ignoring them.”

Krolia hums in reply. The hallways of the Atlas are empty at this hour. “Be careful out there, Keith. Don’t get separated from the group.”

“I’ll be.” He gives her a reassuring smile to which she returns. “Separating from the Atlas isn’t ideal, but it’s the only plan we’ve got.”

“Sometimes we have to work with what we have.” They’re quiet for a moment, Krolia observing the few things she can see of his surroundings. Satisfied, she asks quietly. “And how are you feeling?”  

Aware that he’s alone, Keith takes a look around and drops his voice anywayl. “Not much better, but I’ll live.”

“Is Kosmo going with you?”

“Of course.” In response, the wolf brushes against his leg, eyes set on the holographic image of Krolia.

“Good.” She smiles down at him, and he wags his tail. “If you can’t reach me, consider talking to a friend.”

“Hah, I don’t think so.”

“Just think about it.” Krolia presses, face serious but concerned. “Romelle is a good option. Perhaps even Hunk, he seems to like you.”

Romelle may be a good friend, and Keith may have gotten closer to the Paladins, but he’s not ready to talk about his worries and feelings with any of them so soon. “Okay,” he says in the end, and if Krolia knows he’s lying, she doesn’t say anything.

“Take care, Keith, and stay safe.” She gives him a meaningful look and they disconnect shortly after.

Keith has to pause for a moment, fiddling with his communicator to add her frequency to a quick call list. It’s not that he doesn’t trust them, but it isn’t easy to open up to people, never has been. It took a long time until he had been completely comfortable around Krolia, and even longer until he called her _mom_ for the first time. Moreover, Keith doesn’t want to bring attention to this. Shiro has been in his life for longer than anyone else, and Keith doesn’t want people to see that they’re drifting apart.

When he gets to the Black Lion’s hangar, Keith slows to a stop again. Acxa pushes away from the wall she’d been leaning on, and they meet in the middle, stopping a couple of feet apart. He’d expected no one to come see him off. Romelle will probably send a stream of angry messages later for leaving without saying goodbye, and Shiro - well.

“Good luck out there,” she grips his forearm in the traditional Galran greeting.

“Thanks.” Seeing her here is a surprise, he has to admit. “Will you be okay?”

“I can handle it.” Their arms drop away, and he steps back towards Black. “Contact me if anything happens.”

For a moment, Keith thinks his mom might have asked Acxa to keep an eye on him too, but quickly discards the idea. She wouldn’t. Asking Romelle is already enough, if true. Acxa pets Kosmo, giving in to his longing looks, and walks back to the hallway. The door closes and locks, but she lingers, watching as the doors overhead open up to allow the Black Lion passage.

Keith thinks he sees someone with her as he’s lifting off, but chalks it up as his imagination.

.

**_. you've broken my heart ._ **

**_._ **

Don't separate from the group, Krolia said. Keith should listen to his mom more often.

It is a stupid plan but the only one he comes up with, and even if he dies with his neck caught in Zethrid’s tight grip, Keith won’t be able to regret it. It will ensure that the Paladins will live for longer, hopefully find a way out of here. Still, he won’t go down without a fight, and all the fight he can put up now is clawing at her hand, big enough that it could wrap around his skull and crush it if she wanted to dispose him with a quick death. His lungs had been too full of carbon dioxide before she found him, and now she’s blocking what little oxygen he can get. Gasping and clawing is all he can do, wiggling and kicking too, as much as his swimming vision and foggy head will allow him.

Zethrid is talking - shouting at Shiro and Acxa that came to his rescue, adjusting her grip until she’s suffocating him with her forearm instead. No good. Keith sinks his blunt nails as far as he can into her arm guards, but it’s a fruitless effort. Nothing that she’s saying makes sense anymore.

But Shiro - Shiro isn’t doing much. Acxa is the one doing most of the talking, and he’s just standing _there_ , watching. Hadn’t he done something the last time he saw Keith fight for his life, so long ago during the trials of the Blade of Marmora? Keith’s heart lurches painfully in his chest, drops down to his stomach, and he feels sick. It has nothing to do with the poisonous air in his lungs or his bruised, battered neck.

 _Well_ , a sarcastic voice whispers in his ear as Keith continues to struggle, _you are just the pilot of the Black Lion. They will find a Black Paladin if needed, a better one. Maybe Shiro can take back his rightful place, have Coran pilot the Atlas._

Zethrid raises her gun, takes aim. It’s charging up, and Keith can only look at it, horrified, wheezing for breath and not above begging for her to stop. Words fail him, though, and swallowing is hard. He doesn’t want anyone to die in his stead. She could just end him now while misery is eating away at his insides, and he’s powerless to stop the intrusive thoughts.

The grip she has around him disappears. Keith falls on his knees and hands, hard, and the rush of scarce fresh air clears his head enough to move as Zethrid stumbles back towards the edge. His last bit of strength goes into holding her over the heat of the fire and pulling her up, and then Keith’s sprawled on his back, unable to move.

“Acxa, Veronica, take him to the med bay!” Shiro rushes past him with one of the MFEs to secure Zethrid, and Keith watches helplessly as Shiro walks past without pausing to check on him.

Both women have to haul him up, though Acxa could manage it on her own. Keith is as heavy as a sack of potatoes, his bones feel as liquid as water, and his head is like lead, heavy and dangling forward. They manage to drag him forward, creating significant distance between them and the other half of the group, when Keith heaves, trying to clutch at the collar of his undersuit. Keith can’t remember the last time he ate, so all that comes up is bile and blood. A lot of it.

Veronica’s voice becomes more urgent. “We need someone to come take us to the Atlas now!”

“Keith!” It’s Acxa, the first time he’s ever heard her lose her composure. “You can’t fall asleep. Come on, wake up.”

She’s patting his face, but he hardly registers it. All he feels is pain in his throat, and drowsiness taking over. He wants to sleep for a week, maybe then he’ll be fully rested. Wind whips his hair about as one of the MFEs answers to Veronica’s call; Keith is conscious just enough to recognize the pilot as Kinkade. It’s a tight fit in the ship, but they make do, and Kinkade gingerly lowers Keith to Acxa’s arms so she can carry him over to the awaiting medic unit.

He’s laid upon a stretcher, too many hands touching him at once. Keith tries to bat them away, too weak to apply force into it, but they tell him not to, lowering his own hands down when he won’t stop. Something is pressed to his face, fresh air reaching his nostrils, and Keith inhales as much as he can until another coughing fit stops him. Something wet and warm trickles down his chin, only to be wiped away by someone he can’t see.

The commotion around him grows louder when they get to a room with too many bright lights. A flurry of colors enter his vision, the most eye-catching being a ginger spot that hovers over him before flickering away. They’re trying to get him upright again, the vertigo strong enough to make him retch one more time, and he grunts in pain as his injured throat protests.

“Come on, Keith,” the bright ginger blob is saying. Keith tries to remember who it is, but he’s so tired. “I know you don’t like it, but we’ll have to get you in the healing pod.”

He’s jostled around, carried over to another spot, hands forcing him to lie down gently. He goes without a fight, eyes slipping shut. Can I sleep, he asks, but doesn’t know if the words make it past his lips. Either way, he’s unconscious in seconds.

When he wakes up it’s to a dimly lit, peaceful med bay. The top of the healing pod slides open, and Keith lies there staring at the ceiling for the longest time.

Keith's never liked the healing pods. As useful as they are, it's disconcerting to wake up in one of them, as the transition between unconscious and conscious is less than smooth for him. It takes time until he's fully awake, head clear from the unusual fog, and eyes focused and sharp. He suspects this is due to his Galra physiology. It's also recurring that Lance teases him for being so confused upon awakening, all the more reasons to avoid them unless the injuries were fatal.

Outside the pod, a figure stands from a chair and walks over. Colleen, he notices, sets her datapad down on a table and helps him unstick his body from the back of the pod. Her hands are gentle and warm as they help him out and over to the closest chair. A bottle of water is passed to him and a blanket is thrown over his shoulders. Kosmo scurries from underneath the table and rounds around Keith’s legs now that he’s seated, whining and bumping his snouth into his thigh. Keith reaches out to scratch him behind the ears, smiling tiredly.

“You’ve been asleep for a long time.” Her voice is soothing, quiet. Colleen slips on some disposable latex gloves and reaches for a tray of medical utensils sitting by her datapad. Beside it lies a change of clothes. “I need to check your throat.”

Keith lets her do what she must, following to her directions automatically, mind too distant from the present moment. His eyes roam the room, searching. Something ugly rises up within him and constricts his throat, causing her to hum and pull back.

“All healed as expected. I’d suggest not speaking for a little while, just in case.” She tosses the gloves into a nearby trash bin and drags a chair to sit in front of him. “Nod if you’re feeling okay, shake your head if something is wrong.”

Keith hesitates and nods, looks around one last time and drops his gaze to his lap. Colleen can’t be the only one here with Keith. He knows how much Keith hates healing pods, he wouldn’t leave him here.

“Are you looking for the Paladins?” Colleen inquires. “They were requested to help with the latest civilization we found. Coran was here until Shiro asked him to join everyone else. I volunteered to stay in his stead.”

He finally looks at her, the name catching his attention. Keith motions to his shoulders until the message gets across. “Shiro? He’s outside with them. He’s been busy due to the damaged state of this planet.”

Kosmo lies his head on Keith’s lap, whining softly. Slowly, it all comes back to Keith, made worse by the knowledge that Shiro isn’t here to see him wake up after a near-death experience. He thought he was getting numb to all the pain the growing distance is causing him, but Keith had been wrong. He just wanted his friend here with him. Not even one of the Paladins, or Coran, Romelle or Acxa were allowed to stay.

“Oh, dear...” Colleen approaches him, wraps her arms around his shoulders and pulls his face to her stomach.

She knows Shiro well enough from the time prior to Kerberos, has heard of their friendship then, and undoubtedly heard of it now. Or well, heard of how they used to be.

He should be desensitized by now after losing Shiro so many times, but the third time stings more than anything.  

He clings to her lab coat with shaking hands. There’s something comforting about her, it has to be a mom thing. She pats his hair, and he lets himself be held, a part of his mind wishing it could’ve been Krolia in her place. Maybe then he would allow himself to finally let go of everything that hurts.

When they part, Keith’s more tired than he had been when he woke up. Colleen smiles at him and gathers up her tablet, offering him a hand. “Would you like to go to the lab? Tending to some plants will be a good distraction.”

It sounds like a good plan, so he follows her out of the med bay and through the Atlas after changing out of the tattered under armor. The sweatpants and hoodie he wears are not his own; Keith doesn’t own nor did he bring too many comfortable clothes, so these must be Matt’s. Soft as they are, it makes him feel more comfortable and relaxed.

Though the spaceship is massive and thus it’s hard to have crowded hallways, it feels deserted and empty, most everyone out on land to aid the natives. By the time they make it to her lab, his mind is clearer, and he’s aware of himself enough to feel embarrassed by his earlier emotional display.

“Don’t worry.” She ushers him inside with a wink. “I’m not telling anyone.”

That’s a small relief. His shoulders droop as he takes a seat on a high stool, the sleeves of the hoodie rolled back. She gives him a lab coat of his own and the task of moving growing saplings of lettuce to bigger pots, and Kosmo makes himself comfortable under the table. Working with his hands and keeping them busy help keep the thoughts at bay, and slowly the tension seeps away from his body, though the grip anxiety has over his heart doesn’t relent. More sleepless nights are to come. Keith’s only relief was found in the hours he was stuck in the healing pod.

The soil is damp, smell reminiscent of rain. Keith inhales it and focuses on the softness under his fingertips. Colleen works mostly in silence, and the few times she does speak are mostly to talk about the many plants around them, or the process of bringing the juniberries back from extinction. He actually listens to what she says, nodding and leaning forward when she points something out in the tiny saplings.

“Would you like some tea?” Colleen stands from her stool, picks up the gardening scissors. He nods and watches her walk around the table towards a potted peppermint plant that’s growing too big. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

She disappears through a back door, leaving behind the scissors and taking with her two peppermint branches. Keith turns back to the lettuce and replants the final saplings, pats his palms together to get rid of most of the soil clinging to his hands. He doesn’t feel confident enough in his gardening abilities to tend to juniberries without supervision, so he turns to the tomato vine, gently plucking the ripe ones away and setting them inside a plastic container. He would never be able to settle down as a farmer, but doing this every once in a while feels almost therapeutic.

A door wooshes open and Keith turns around, expecting Colleen to have returned, and nearly drops the container when he spots Shiro there. At first glance, Shiro looks exhausted, bags under his eyes and shoulders more droopy than usual. He watches Keith without saying a word, and Keith clings to the pot of tomatoes in his grasp until he feels it could snap under his hands.

“You’re awake.” Shiro says at last, walking into the room to stop by the table they’re occupying. “I was wondering how long it would take.”

Keith swallows, feels that phantom pain in his throat, invisible fingers squeezing the column of his neck. He sets the container down and watches Shiro from across the table.

“You gave us quite a scare.” He’s acting so casual about it. Keith knows, of course, that Shiro doesn’t owe him anything, but after so long he believed that Shiro would react differently to Keith almost dying. He doesn’t miss the way Shiro’s larger hands curl into tight fists on top of the table. In contrast, his face is calm. “How are you feeling?”

He glances down at the ripe tomatoes and nods. Keith’s recovered from Zethrid’s attack, but everything else is a mess. His thoughts are scattered, frenzied, clashing. His chest feels hollow, his stomach dipped in ice cold water, and most of the time he can’t concentrate unless on a mission. Kosmo appears beside him in a flash, and Keith reaches for him out of reflex. His soft fur is good, grounding.

“Keith?” Shiro comes closer, a frown creasing his brow. His show of concern makes everything hurt more.

“Ah, if it isn’t Captain Shirogane.” Colleen greets as she enters the lab, a tray of tea in her hands. “What good timing. Would you like some tea?”

“No, thank you, Colleen.” He smiles at her. “I was wondering about Keith’s health.”

“He’s healed all fine.” She reassures him, stepping into Keith’s personal space. “For precautions, I advised him not to talk too much right now.” Keith nods in agreement and presses his lips together to emphasize it, giving him a slight shrug.

They both know that if his voice breaks now, it’s not from the injury. Keith’s still too sensitive and emotional to his liking.

Shiro buys it, apparently. “Glad to hear that. Concentrate on resting for now. I have to head back.” He lifts his hand, moves it towards Keith and pauses. It drops to his side heavily. “I’ll see you later.”

He takes his leave, walking away without looking back. Colleen brushes her fingers through Keith’s hair and sets a cup of tea in front of him. She doesn’t say anything, and it’s for the best. Keith picks up the cup and takes a sip, hurting his throat all over again.

Keith can’t help but miss the weight of Shiro’s hand on his shoulder.

.

**_. and now you leave me ._ **

**_._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You expect me to believe Zethrid didn't almost crush Keith's neck- 
> 
> If you've got any questions, theories?, or maybe anything you'd like to see, do tell me :3c


	3. now you're gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought of a new formatting style for this fic. Honestly, separating scenes with lyrics from Love of My Life on chapter two was *chef's kiss*
> 
> [Song for the intermissions](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-B57lnGcMpY)

**.**

**i wanna stay with you for a long time**

**.**

Keith is in his favorite observation deck of the Atlas, watching the tiny dots below as they help the natives pick up their pieces after years of being dominated by the Galra. He'd spent the majority of the previous day sleeping away the side effects of being in the healing pod for hours, locked up in his bedroom. If someone had come to knock on his door to check up on him, he'd mumble an answer and fall asleep again, forgetting whatever was said once he woke up. Coran was the only one he let inside, as the man had been the one to oversee him in the pod, and he told Keith to take it easy for at least one extra day.

So here he is now, wanting to help but not being able to, because distributing food and water is a too strenuous job, it seems. Colleen had gone down to land this time, and Keith almost believed he was truly the only person aboard the Atlas. Peace and quiet is all he wants on most days, but today he will welcome a distraction with open arms. His mind won’t let go of yesterday’s aborted gesture of affection, the hand that never made it to his shoulder.

When the door opens behind his back, the only reason why Keith doesn’t startle is because he’d heard the quick footfalls approaching the room. Romelle swats away some stray locks of hair from her face and marches in his direction, wagging a finger at his face. “You!”

Seeing Romelle again goes as he'd imagined. He shrugs, sheepish, and lets a small smile show on his features. “Me.”

“You left without saying goodbye!” She jams a finger into his chest, not withholding her Altean strength. It stings and it’s not enough to budge him from where he stands, yet Keith humors her anyway with a step back. “And you almost died!”

A few more jabs and steps, and they’re no longer standing where it all began. To an outsider, she’s angry, but the concerned dip of her eyebrows and misty eyes give it away. Her fingers curl around the soft material of Matt’s borrowed hoodie to yank him closer, and he goes, stumbling ungracefully into her crushing hug. Keith’s arm settle around her shoulders in a gentler but no less tight hold, eyes slipping shut when she sniffles.

“I’m sorry.”

“You almost died,” she whispers, burying her face into his shoulder. “Stars, Keith! Your neck was black and purple with bruises, you were hardly _breathing_ …”

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. His hand cups the base of her head, golden hair silky against his skin. Romelle has always been too bright even when things are dire. Keith hates it that he’s been the one to dampen her mood.

She pulls away from him, swiping at her eyes with the heels of her hands. “Why are you apologizing? It wasn’t your fault.” But he did the exact opposite of what he’d been told, and that had been _don’t get separated from the group_. “I’m just - I was so worried, Keith. I didn’t know what to tell your mother.”

Keith turns away as Romelle recollects herself, and it gives him a moment to brace himself as well. Since he’s been coherent enough to sort his thoughts, he’s been wondering if his mother heard of his little stunt - which of course she did. Romelle just confirmed it, and if not her, someone else would have called Krolia. If anything, Keith is surprised she isn’t here now, and won’t be either if it’s revealed she’s on her way. He disregarded her advice and probably disappointed her, but above all else, he didn’t want to make her worry more than usual.

“How did she react?”

Romelle is retying her hair as she speaks. “You know how she’s always masking her thoughts, unless we’re the ones talking to her? Well, I don’t think she would have kept that mask up even if everyone in the Atlas was there with me when I called.”

Keith winces. His mom has been fiercely protective of him from the moment they met, and later on stretched that onto Kosmo, and then finally onto Romelle. She will tear the universe apart if anything happens to either of them.

“Kolivan was there, so he helped her calm down. As much as she wanted to come, they have their hands full and she wouldn’t be able to leave the Blades. I promised to keep her updated until you were feeling better.” They face each other again. “You owe her a call.”

Her eyes are still bright, red rimmed from her crying, but Romelle is smiling at him, relief in her features. Keith had been thinking of the Paladins, trying to give them a way out of a tough situation, and hadn’t stopped to think of everyone who might miss him had Zethrid crushed every bone in his neck. Romelle and Kosmo would be anguished, and Krolia would be devastated.

“I’ll make sure to call her today.”

She steps closer and pulls him into a tender side hug. “Are you hungry? It’s lunch time. I was helping Sal cook today. I think you’re gonna like our Bellunian stew!”

Keith lets her take them to the mess hall, lets her hug his arm in her own way of knowing he’s here and won’t be going anywhere they can’t reach soon. Romelle makes small talk about anything that’s light and funny, about Lance tripping on a roll of bandages, and Shay eating chiltepin peppers like they’re candy, making everyone in cooking duty that day see her as some kind of goddess. Her stories lift Keith’s spirits, and they keep a smile on his face from the observation deck all the way to the mess hall.

The room is half full with people, most of them already occupying tables while the others are waiting to get their food. They step in line with plates in hand, and Romelle decides to share details of the relief efforts on Belluna, the planet they’re currently stationed at. It’s a tiny planet, a planetoid really, that had been destroyed and occupied by Galra for no apparent reason. Belluna doesn’t have much to offer that could be valuable, just some spices and vegetables that the population had been forced to harvest to feed the troops that had been settled here prior to their intervention.

The Bellunian stew Romelle mentioned is of a bright neon blue, a color that Keith would classify as radioactive on any other day. Chunks of local tubers found in the wild float around the creamy liquid, and she eagerly scoops up some and fills his bowl with it. Keith trusts her judgement, and Sal’s, so he takes a slice of bread with him and a small portion of meat before heading for a table. Though the color is less than appealing, it does smell good, something akin to ginger and rosemary, however odd that combination might be. Romelle is watching him intently, waiting for him to try it.

“Keith?”

He lowers his spoonful of stew, looks up at the stunned, relieved faces of the Paladins. Keith sets down his food and stands up from the bench, dimly aware that a hush has fallen in the mess hall. By now, everyone knows about the fate he narrowly dodged, and it’s understandable that they hadn’t recognized him in casual wear. Keith wouldn’t recognize himself.

Hunk is the first to engulf him in a bear hug, followed by Pidge, and then Lance and Allura joining at once as if in sync. They cling to him, tight, and while Keith is uncomfortable with the attention they’re attracting, it becomes easy to ignore when they pull away and stop talking all at once.

“Dude, we were so worried.” Hunk’s eyes are bright, eyelashes damp from incoming tears.

“It was a stupid idea,” Pidge says, dislodging her round glasses when she pinches the inner corner of her eyes.  

“We shouldn’t have agreed to it.” Allura reaches out for his hand and squeezes it. “No more playing the hero, Keith.”

“We’re sticking together,” Lance adds with a fierce nod.

Keith can only smile at them, finding no words to reply but undoubtedly touched by their worry, and they drag him into another hug. He would do it again to keep them safe, but doesn’t say it aloud. The hug slackens and slowly they trickle towards the line for food, promising to return to join them at the table. “Stay where you are!” Lance shouts midway to the line, like he wouldn’t have heard his call in the quietness of the room.

“Keith?”

Acxa and Veronica walk up to him before he can reclaim his seat. They seemingly grew closer in the days when the Paladins were away, and he’s happy to know Acxa has someone else to spend time with now when he isn’t around. She’s loyal, competent, smart. She deserves some good friends.

“Glad to see you on your feet again.” Veronica grips his shoulders with both hands, tight. The thick fabric of the borrowed hoodie is the only thing stopping her from digging her nails into his skin. She says through gritted teeth, “Seriously, don’t do that again.”

“I’ve had enough near death experiences to last for a lifetime.” First Naxzela, then the cloning facility, then an explosion and falling back to Earth, losing consciousness and not knowing if he’d ever wake up again - and now this. They don’t need to know all of the history, though. “As it turns out, I like being alive.”

Veronica’s lips twitch before she lets out a long suffering sigh. “How are you feeling? You were pretty beaten up.” It’s Acxa who asks, hints of concern showing in her eyes.

“Better now that I’ve slept away the side effects of being in a healing pod.” He hopes to never have to go back into one of them. “If I don’t run into Kinkade, would one of you thank him in my stead?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll send him your way.” Veronica pats his shoulder in mock comfort before stepping back. “No running away from thanking people that saved your life.”

He nods. “And what about Zethrid?”

“Captured with part of her crew.” Her gaze flickers to Veronica, now talking to someone that had been helping with relief efforts down below, and steps closer to whisper. “I took the liberty of hunting down and contacting Ezor.”

“I-” His eyebrows scrunch up, and he asks just as quietly. “I thought she’d died in the explosion?”

“So did I.” Acxa muses, returning his frown with one of her own. “We used to have our own distress signal back then, and I reached out for her on a whim. Thankfully she answered. Got here pretty quickly too, and can probably help with Zethrid. They’ve been talking for a while.”

Keith lets out a slow breath, drops his crossed arms to his sides. “Good thinking. Thanks, Acxa.”

“Don’t forget to call Krolia.” Acxa reminds him in her usual tone of voice, and Veronica waves as she steers Acxa somewhere else. As if he could ever forget.

When he turns back to sit on his chair, he spots Shiro watching them from across the room.

**.**

**i wanna be stone, love**

**.**

In the privacy of his bedroom, Keith paces around, pent up with restless energy. He’s never been good at staying still for too long, always on the move, always training, straining himself to keep from thinking. From climbing to the rooftops of his homes after losing his dad, then hiking on the deserts cliffs after Shiro had gone missing that first time, to going in mission after mission with the Blades; Keith never stops.

Leisure time leads to unnecessary thinking, which leads to unnecessary stress.

He’s been psyching himself up to call Krolia since the others had to return to land, unprepared to face the force of her worry, but at the same time not wanting to let her fret over him for a minute more. He’d scared everyone enough as it is. Keith types her a quick message, just a simple _call me when you’re available_ , because out of the two of them, she’s the one that’s being active right now, and then tosses the communicator onto the mattress in a fit of nerves. Kosmo raises his head from where he’s lying on top of Keith’s pillow to eye the device like it offended his ancestors for disrupting his nap.

Keith hasn’t decided yet how to tell her he lost her knife. It took too long for him to notice it was missing, and by then they were far, far away from that volcanic planet for him to go out searching for it. The Paladins hadn’t seen it, nor did Acxa or Colleen.

Unsurprisingly, the communicator beeps a few seconds later, and it’s both a blessing and a curse. Keith takes a deep breath as he walks over to his bed and picks it up, presses the answer symbol and his mom’s concerned face shows on the holographic screen. She leans forward like she can get closer that way, like her forehead can touch his, and it eases the knots of tension on his back.

“Keith!” She checks him over for injuries as best as he can. He purposefully dressed down in a tank top so she’d be able to see his neck and arms, all nicely healed. “Romelle told me what happened, are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“Yeah,” quietly, he says, a smile curling on his lips. Just looking at her makes him feel better. “Yes, mom, don’t - it’s okay.”

The worried crease on her brow eases a little as Krolia presses a palm to her chest breathes out, long and deep. When she opens her eyes again, her face is serious. “I believe I told you not to separate from the group?”

She says it soft and stern at once, the way only she can. Keith hunches his shoulders, curls into himself, shame creeping up the back of his neck. “Yeah.”

“So why did you do the exact opposite?”

He tries to explain, but only a simple _I just_ makes it past his lips before words fail him and he falls silent. Keith can’t bring himself to look at her, but feels the weight of her gaze over him through he holovideo, studying his body language. He clutches his upper arm when she sighs.

“Keith,” his name rolls off her tongue as a gentle wave. “I understand you were trying to keep them safe, but what good would it have done to anyone if you had died trying to protect them?”

He shrugs, his walls lowering down only for her eyes to see. “Black could have found another Paladin.” She had once, twice, and then a third time. So did Red and Blue. The Lions can take other people in. “I’m just a pilot.”

“You are not expendable, Keith.” He closes his eyes, and for a moment he’s on that back of that space whale sitting around a fire with his newfound mom and a cosmic wolf puppy on his lap. “We’ve gone through this before, you know your worth. You may not think you’re a Black Paladin by right, but you are. You are not replaceable.” She enunciates the last words slowly, with pause, the way she had done before to get them through his head.

They fall silent. Kosmo creeps closer to lie by his side, and Keith leans into him, seeking comfort. He can hear his mom’s breathing, low and almost imperceptible, but it helps.

“All of this is affecting your self esteem, isn’t it?”

She doesn’t need to clarify, he already knows what she means. Keith nods, head heavy,  his voice just a croak when he speaks again. “I never thought he would give up on me.”

He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes like the action can soothe the burning. It hurts so much, all of it, yet he can never find relief. Keith thinks he might have to carry it with him forever.

“Give me the word and I’ll go to you right away.”

He’d want nothing more than that, his mom here with him, holding and soothing him as he recollects his scattered pieces, and tries to find some semblance of the man he’d been from the moment they left the Quantum Abyss to the fall of the Lions back into Earth’s atmosphere after an explosion.

“It’s okay, mom.” He says instead, lifting his head to give her a watery smile. “We both have much to do.”  

**.**

**i wanna see LA in your eyes**

**.**

As more of Honerva’s Robeasts pop up on Pidge’s radar, they realize it is something they can no longer ignore. It’s stupid and selfish, inconsiderate even, to suggest splitting up once more to deal with the Robeasts separately, but it’s an idea born out of his increasing desire to distance himself from everything and everyone for just a little while. An idea he doesn’t really filter before speaking up.

And sure, Keith can feel the weight of at least half a dozen glares settle on him as soon as the words are out of his mouth, but he can’t take them back now. He’ll deal with the Paladins and Romelle, and possibly Coran and Colleen, after the meeting.

For the first time, Allura manages to sway Shiro and get him to agree with her. Her guess of Honerva’s plan might just be right, and if that’s the case they have to get moving. If Honerva really wants to tear into the fabric of time and space for her own set of selfish, twisted reasons, they have to stop her. They have to go to Oriande.

Teams are dispatched to rescue the residents of each planet that’s been targeted by a Robeast. Keith watches as the Holts share a hasty goodbye whilst Matt rushes to his ship, dressing up as he goes, cybernetic girlfriend hot on his heels. He’s one of the team leaders for this mission. His parents shout how proud they are of him to his back, and their praises are acknowledged with a smile thrown over his shoulder before Matt disappears behind closed metallic doors.

Just as their pride is palpable in the air around them, so are their worries and fears. This family has been separated before, and the apprehension that someday a parting will be forever grips their throats, visible in the way Pidge bites her bottom lip and glares at her shoes. Keith is no good with consoling people, but he stands close to her and places a palm in the space between her shoulder blades in silent support. Still looking down and fighting back tears, Pidge leans into the contact gratefully.

They leave for Oriande shortly after. Keith had expected it to be messy, but not this chaotic with Robeasts guarding the entrance to an once sacred place. It’s easy to exchange words with Shiro when adrenaline is already coursing through Keith’s veins, preparing him for another battle, for making his way down to the Black Lion’s hangar and occupying the pilot’s seat.

Command is deferred to Allura, and he lets her take the reins of a battle that is touching a sore spot for the Altean Princess. With the Atlas and MFE fighters providing backup, Voltron fights its way into the whirlwind, the energy crackling at the center making all of them apprehensive. They push on, though, and enter the eye of the storm in time to see the guardian, the White Lion, being ripped apart and destroyed by Honerva’s doing.

Recovered from the shock, and with Allura’s rage and anguish seeping through the pores of their connection, down the hole they go into Oriande itself. It’s unsurprising to find more Robeasts waiting for them here, but they’ve come knowing this wouldn’t be easy, prepared for a tough fight.

Voltron may be the strongest weapon in the universe, but it’s thousands of years old, and Honerva’s mechas are enhanced in ways that makes the fight unevenly matched. They take a beating, but keep going forward and trying their hardest, until flickering images catch their attention, fading in and out of sight like a mirage. Too late they realize Honerva’s touched into the fabric, having kept her ritual going despite the chaos going on around her.

And if her success wasn’t bad enough, the universe throws something else for them to deal with. Syncline rises from the ashes, tall and whole, goes at them with vicious strikes and a thirst for vengeance. Voltron struggles to keep up as the Paladins question its reappearance, but there is no time to look for answers that could explain Lotor’s return.

With one powerful strike, Voltron splits and sends the Lions caneering in different directions in colorful strokes of light. The impact reminds Keith of the battle for Earth, blood flowing from an open cut on his right temple, trickling down the side of his face and neck to soak his undersuit. Disoriented, he tries to see through his blurry vision, trying to clear his eyes to no avail. The loud ringing in his ears makes it harder to concentrate somehow, and his fingers can barely curl around the controls. He wants to sleep for ten years.

By the time he’s reaching for the console of the Black Lion to contact the other Paladins, Allura’s voice fills the cockpit with noise. They’ve lost.

**.**

**when i'm leaving with your love**

**.**

The medical wing is already prepared and waiting for their arrival. Lance is subjected to some tests to check on the worrying bump on the back of his head before he’s allowed to sleep on one of the beds, Veronica keeping vigil by his side. Coran has Allura off to the side, comforting her as she retells what happened down in Oriande in whispers, fingertips running along her bottom lashes ever so often. No one bothers them.

Romelle aids Hunk with his own bruises, examines each discolored spot on his back and applies some healing cream, then helps him stretch the sprained muscle of his arm.  The Holts are fussing over Pidge; Matt, recently returned from his own mission, watches on from behind their parents as they check their daughter over for injuries, turning her face this way and that. She wasn’t as hurt as the others, thankfully.

Keith sits on one of the beds, sipping on some electrolyte pouch given to him by Coran as Acxa cleans up the slash on his face. Romelle had had hovered over Keith before, until he managed to convince her to help Hunk first instead, and he would be cleaning up after himself had Acxa not jumped straight into it despite his protests. He could not shake her, but it turned out to be a good idea, because he’s too fatigued to tend to it properly. Her fingers are gentle and careful as they swipe the dried blood away with a damp, warm cloth.

Shiro, who had come to check on them, leaves when his communicator beeps not two minutes after he’s arrived. Acxa touches the edges of the injury, and Keith hisses. “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

He looks at her and finds his suspicions are confirmed; she’s not talking about the head wound. Others may not see any difference, but Keith is aware that her face is less severe now, her features softer around the edges of her permanent frown. Maybe exposure to someone as extroverted as Veronica is doing her good.

Keith wonders, though, if this is how she felt when Lotor betrayed them.

His silence is answer enough. Their likeness makes it possible that she reads into it; she understands his cues just as he understands hers. Acxa returns her attention to cleaning up the slash, and Keith sucks the last of the electrolyte drink through the straw until all that is left is air.

“Lotor was down there.” Her hand falters before resuming the pace, now jerky and uneven. He tries not to wince. “Honerva got the Syncline from within the rift, don’t know how. His strikes were ruthless, merciless.”

Acxa drops the cloth in favor of using wet wipes. “I used to ask myself if turning against him was the right thing to do, then.”

“And what conclusion did you reach?”

“I felt guilty. I was his second in command, I should have gone down with him.” She shakes her head. “I understand now that all he needed was someone to stand by his side and believe in him. It could have been me, but I was not fit for it, not when what he was doing wasn’t fine.”

“Sometimes we just can’t stay when it doesn’t feel right or natural.” Keith grimaces when she touches too close to the wound again. “No matter how much we still want to be there for them.”

Acxa tosses the ruined wet wipe away and opens the first aid kit. He braces himself for the sting. “He saw potential in us when no one else would give us the time of the day.” She presses a wet cotton ball to his temple, making him jerk away with a hiss. Acxa remains unfazed at his display. “I’m still grateful for the chance he gave me. I stayed faithful to him till the end until I couldn’t abide to his ways anymore.”

“But?” He prompts, and she shrugs.

“I catch myself wondering what could have been.” One last swipe over the wound and she pulls away. “If I’d stayed, or if he’d found happiness with the Princess, or all those possibilities that maybe he’d finally find the peace he deserved after everything that happened in his life.”

“We never stop wondering.” Keith muses. He had been second guessing everything since the moment he learned his dad had died in a fire. “What if I’d done something differently? What if I’d just agreed to it? What if I’d died in his place?”

“I saw him as a friend, you know.” Acxa gives him a sad little smile. “Doubt and guilt diminish with time, but they never truly leave, not for me.” Her shoulders fall with a deep sigh, and with it her smile drops as well. Gone is the momentary vulnerability. “We’re done now.”

He understands what she means, nods to show as such. Keith hops off the bed, the bruise blooming on his hip reminding him belatedly to take it easy, but he’s _not_ going into a pod again, even if he’ll be left limping for days. “Some butterfly stitches will do.”  

First aid kit in hand, he wanders over to the sink close by the Holts, looking at his tired reflection in the mirror above the counter. When living in the desert, hiking all day long in search of that mysterious energy he could feel, butterfly stitches were his best friend. Riding all the way to the city for sutures would take too long, so he kept many of these in his shack.

“These are practical,” Acxa comments as he sets the first strip in place. Butterfly stitches saved him a lot of time back then.

“They aren’t really meant to be used on face wounds, though.” Colleen joins them by the sink, hands on her hips. Keith can imagine his mom standing in her place right now, giving him the same _look_.

“I used them before just fine,” he complains with no real heat behind it. Keith’s seen Pidge arguing with Colleen to know how this ends: with her being victorious.

“Doesn’t mean you were doing it right.” Colleen nods to Acxa, who snaps the first aid box shut. Keith narrows his eyes at her - _traitor -_ and she looks amused. “Come, let me do some real sutures. Or you can go into a pod. I’ll let you hide in the lab later.”

“No pods, thank you.” The vulnerability that comes with being disoriented sets him off in all the wrong ways. He’d rather not have to go through that again so soon, if possible.

Colleen herds him to the bed Pidge occupies, and she scoots sideways to give him some space to join her on the thin mattress. Acxa follows, hesitant and unsure. She doesn’t seem as comfortable and at ease around them, but lingers close as Colleen applies a local anaesthetic and prepares to close up the wound.

“So, Acxa.” Sam turns to her, the smile on his face genuine. “How are you liking it here in the Atlas?”

Keith’s glad they’re trying to make her feel welcomed. Colleen snaps on disposable gloves and starts stitching the slash closed with controlled movements, talking to her family as if she were doing something mundane instead, like watering her plants.

Pidge meets his gaze and rolls her eyes fondly, a small smirk on her lips. He returns it in kind.

**.**

**i will always think about you**

**.**

Allura tries to interrogate Tavo, an Altean that had been living under Honerva’s rule and agreed to go with them to the Atlas. Despite his willingness, they take the security measures necessary, bringing him to an empty room save for a desk and a pair of chairs.

It doesn’t last long. Allura doesn’t get any relevant answers before Tavo goes rigid, eyes rolling to the back of his head and falling off his seat, limp, unmoving. Dead. She checks him over, and removes an odd energy from within his body that she sensed. Honerva’s magic presents itself to them as a swirling dark essence. After she and two other crew members flee the room, they contain the dangerous dark entity in a vacuum casing.

“I feel like it was talking to me.” She says in a harsh whisper, pressing a hand to the side of her head, eyebrows knitted. “I could hear it in my head.”

Alone in a secluded corridor on the way to the Paladins’ rooms, Keith observes her exhausted posture, half-slumped against the wall behind her. “We’ll let you know if we discover anything, but for now you should rest.”

“What does all of this mean, Keith?”

“I don’t know.” He squeezes her shoulder, feeling a little bit helpless. “But we’ll figure it out.”

Drazan is their next destination, a planet they were supposed to visit previously for something called Voltron Show.

“Oh man, that was embarrassing.” Hunk whines when Romelle asks what it was about, her eyes shining with mischief. Lance grumbles unintelligibly; they all know Romelle will look for it when the opportunity arises.

Every year, only one day is clear enough to allow its inhabitants to leave their underground homes, and they celebrate it with a funfair kind of event, creatively labeled Clear Day. To make up for Coran’s mistake the last time, Voltron is _kindly_ invited to provide security for free. It’s a simple thing, Keith thinks and prepares to make sure everything will run smoothly.

Romelle is skipping steps as they head to the shuttles. “Be careful, okay?”

She flashes him a brilliant grin, wrapping both her arms around one of his and dragging him along on her merry way. “I’ll be fine, Keith.”

“I’d rather you at least stay with Acxa, if not with me.”

“I’ll find her right away if anything happens.” Romelle vows, giving him a serious look. “But I want to explore by myself.”

Keith concedes, knows he can’t really change her mind once she’s got her sights set on something, so he watches her go once they touch down, the blond of her hair quickly disappearing amongst the masses of people wandering about the booths. It doesn’t take long for the other Paladins to scatter as well, all duties of overseeing security fleeing their minds.

“Keith, relax.” Shiro says from behind him. “Go have fun.”

“If we’re not here for protection, then what are we doing here?” Did they just leave Allura in the Atlas by herself so they could mess around?

“Morale on the Atlas is low after what happened in Oriande.” Shiro muses with a shrug, an easy smile on his face. “Who knows? A few hours at the carnival might give us the boost we need to get back on track.”

There was a time when Keith would have liked this, to have cotton candy and let his competitiveness get the best of him in a shooting game, to let go and have some fun, forget his role and duties as Paladin for a night. Relive the things he used to do with his father before his passing, and carry home toys he no longer has an use for.

But he would very much like to do all of this with Shiro, to tease him in game booths and stare at dubious food in skewers, go back to what it was like before Kerberos, before he disappeared for the second time after that battle in Zarkon’s Central Command.

And looking at him now giving Keith a soft smile with his eyes gently crinkled, as if nothing’s ever changed and everything is fine, hurts so much that Keith has to turn away. “Maybe.”

Walking away from Shiro is one of the hardest things Keith’s ever done, but it’s necessary if he wants to protect himself from more heartache. He wishes Kosmo were here, but the wolf had to stay behind in case he could scare the inhabitants, and Keith tries to focus on their job, realizes he’s been executing it poorly when more than one group is annoyed at him for trying to do what was asked of them. Keith should go back to the Atlas; even napping with Kosmo would be better than this.

Later, when he runs into Hunk and an Unilu throws them into a ride, Keith realizes he shouldn’t have left the Atlas at all. The bright lights, cheap Dranzanean puppets, and annoying song are agonizing on a whole different level, and like all that isn’t enough, the cart gets stuck halfway through it.

“Sorry for the inconvenience.” A voice rings from the intercoms. “We’ll get this thing up and running in a tick.”

Hunk is enjoying himself, at least, whilst Keith is ready to fight someone. “Cheer up, man. You gotta wind down a little before the stress kills you.”

“We shouldn’t be here.” He hisses, folding his arms tight over his chest. “Allura is up there in the Atlas by herself and we’re all here messing around.”

“Allura is resting, Keith.” Hunk says, ever patient. “She wanted us to come here so she wouldn’t feel guilty.”

“For what? For us staying with her when she needs?”

“Yes.” He agrees, plain and simple. “You know how she is. Trust me, she would love to be here with us, or to have us there with her, but she needs some alone time.” Hunk leans back on the cheap leather seat of the ride. “Come to think of it, you need some time too.”

Keith clicks his tongue against the back of his teeth and turns away. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” A concerned frown creases Hunk’s forehead. “I can tell.”

“Can we just - drop it?” He tries not to bite the words out, not to let his exasperation show. They come harsher than intended, but still soft enough not to hurt Hunk’s feelings. Keith thinks of his mom’s suggesting, of going to Hunk for help, but he can’t take it, even if Hunk is offering it. They have bigger things to worry about than Keith’s longest relationship falling apart before his own eyes.

Besides, he doesn’t want them to know the extent of his hurt, either.

Thankfully, Hunk lets it go with an understanding smile and a friendly pat to Keith’s arm. Keith manages to tune out the song and his friend’s humming, but by doing so he can’t stop turning over past events to look at them from different angles, trying to find where he slipped and failed, where he did something wrong and disappointed Shiro. It’s all his fault, and no one else’s. Still, he can’t seem to find anything.

After the cart moves a few inches and breaks down again a few times, Keith’s had enough and forces his way out, literally cutting open a path to the outside. Hunk stumbles after him, ditching the ride he’d been enjoying. The noise of the people attending the festival is easier on his ears than the annoying, repetitive song of the ride, and Keith welcomes it with open arms.

It doesn’t take long for them to run into the other Paladins, and then into Coran shortly after, the man on top of a stage participating in some sort of contest. Interested, they stick around out of sheer curiosity, only for the mood to be crushed by the screeching noise that leaves the Altean man. A Yelmor competition of sorts. Coran must have been a scholar, or he’s always been oddly obsessed with these creatures, before working close to the Royal Family. At least he wins and joins their group with a tall, glimmering gold trophy that he will display proudly in his room aboard the Atlas.

Pidge and Lance argue over whoever got the best gift for Allura as they wander around the festival. Boisterous cheers attract them to a large tent holding an arm wrestling competition. If the sight of Shiro in the middle of the ring isn’t enough to surprise them, the sight of his opponent clearly is.

“No way!” Lance exclaims, and Pidge sputters for a second.

“It’s the Beta Traz warden,” she whispers in disbelief. The rest of the group only share confused glances before shrugging it off.

Shiro wins after little struggle. They break into the ring to celebrate, lifting him up as confetti rains down on them. He seems surprised, a little lost, blinks a few times before a wide grin appears on his face and he starts cheering as well. Their gazes meet and lock, and Keith’s heart flutter. Shiro is lowered to the ground and gifted the champion belt, looks down at it in wonder, and Keith feels his heart soar higher.

It comes crashing down later. Once the commotion has subsided, some people come up to congratulate him - that guy from the bridge among them. He seems quiet and easy to overlook, but once Keith spots him, he can’t forget that face and what it can potentially mean. Keith steps back and away from the other Paladins, intent on taking his leave as quickly as possible, and thankfully they’re too engrossed in examining Shiro’s new prize to notice his departure.

The MFE pilots show up as he walks to the exit, and he brushes past them, only stopping when he comes across Veronica and Acxa. With a single look to his face, Veronica keeps walking and stops a few feet away to give them some semblance of privacy to talk.

“Enjoyed the festival?” He asks before she can. Acxa looks over his shoulder, something flickering in her eyes before she faces him again.

“The pilots are... Lively.” She observes him in silence. “Did you?”

“Yes, very.” It doesn’t sound convincing. At all. “I’m going to look for Romelle. You have fun.” He doesn’t linger to hear what she’ll say, hightailing out of there as fast as his feet can carry him, trying not to make it being obvious that he’s running away.

Keith doesn’t look for Romelle, but he does wander the grounds aimlessly with a heavy heart and struggling lungs. It’s the hurt speaking, and Keith tries not to overthink, but it’s hard not to when Shiro pulls further away with each day, and has left Keith hanging because he had been with that guy. Shiro doesn’t owe him anything. He just hadn’t been expecting to be replaced, cast aside, forgotten by the one person that promised to never give up on him.

And well, Shiro is allowed to make new friendships, or even pursue other kinds of... Relationships.

He slows down to a stop. Around him, people continue walking, grumbling when they bump into him, but he doesn’t register any of it. Keith stares down at his hands, at his shaking fingers. _Oh._

For the first time he realizes that the thought of Shiro dating someone else doesn’t sit well with him. It’s not selfishness, and now Keith he knows why exactly all of this is hurting so damn much. He had never thought the teasing from other people to be true, always chalked up his devotion to Shiro as repayment for all he’d done, and cherishment for a dear friend. The truth leaves him sick in the stomach, the realization weighing down on him now that he’s made the connection. He finds the nearest trash can and hovers near it, heedless of the smell, gasping and gagging for another reason entirely.

His heartbreak has a new meaning. Keith’s not only losing his best friend, but the person he loves most in the world, above everyone else, more than his own life. The person that’s changed his life, the one he’s supported unconditionally, the one Keith would do anything to see smile.

In his mind, a perfect image of Krolia forms, and he hears her voice with clarity as she says _you’re in love, Keith_. And as his nose runs and his eyes burn, Keith realizes that one-sided love sucks as much as it hurts.

He would have been content to be just Shiro’s friend, but he doesn’t even have that anymore.

Keith doesn’t know for how long he stays there, only knows that his feet carry him automatically to the shuttles when it’s time to return. It would have been best if the Holts weren’t there already, though, and Colleen immediately looks at him, brow creasing when she takes in his appearance. He hasn’t looked in a mirror all day, so he can only imagine how awful he must look.

Romelle saves him again, running up to him, pigtails bouncing, the rest of the Atlas entourage coming up to the shuttles slowly. She’s got prizes in her arms and a smile on her face that slips and falls when she takes a good look at him. “Are you okay?”

“Probably ate something bad.” He’s always been terrible at lying, and in the months they’ve known each other, Romelle is well aware of that. She squints up at him, but knows better than to pry when there are so many people around.

“Here,” she presses one of the plushies into his hand, and he looks down at a little replica of the Black Lion. “I got this for you.”

The gesture is touching. His eyes well up again as he smiles down at the gift. “Thank you.”

She steps closer, presses her side into his in what could pass as a hug. It grounds him and makes him twice as emotional all at once. “I got this for Krolia.” Romelle says, quieter, and he takes notice of the little Red Paladin doll, the ends of black hair peeking out from the back of the helmet. “Do you think she’s going to like it?”

“She’ll love it,” he says, dropping his voice too. It prevents it from breaking. “She’ll need one of yours, too.”

“They didn’t have any.” She doesn’t sound mad. Her arm loops with his and she begins tugging him towards the shuttles when the steps get louder.

“Guess we’ll have to have it custom made. And one of Kosmo, too.” It’s worth it to see her grin.

She makes him sit between her and the wall, and the Holts take the seats directly across from them. Acxa and Veronica come next, sitting on opposite sides as well, and then the Paladins stream in. Keith doesn’t know if they’re doing this consciously, but he appreciates it anyway, and breathes a little easier when there are so many people between him and Shiro, now sitting on the other side of the shuttle. Where that guy from the bridge crew went, Keith doesn’t know, nor does he want to. Romelle holds his hand in hers, rests her cheek on his shoulder, and he focuses on her steady breathing until he’s feeling calmer.

He’d been looking for some peace and quiet, but the sight that waits for them in the Atlas robs him of sleep that night.

**.**

**that's why i'm calling you back 'cause i got to run soon**

**.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably heard this already, but the epilogue is fake, Lance is looking for Allura, and Shiro and Keith are finally together. The ending we kinda deserved (because killing Allura was unecessary anyway)
> 
> I actually had a lot of things to say but I forgot most of them so uh. Chapters are getting longer, and so will the total number of chapters, but I'll update that as I go afkhfaklh. So far there are seven planned chapters, but that might change. (I'm so excited to get to the wedding chapter tho! so many plans for it). And by the way! I'm skipping straight to the end from here because I literally have no energy left to watch the second half of s8 again.
> 
> And also, I mentioned this to a few people before, but keep in mind that as much as Shiro's intentions for putting distance between them might make sense/seem valid to him, they will _always_ be stupid to us, especially when we take into consideration how much Keith is hurting. We won't get to this part so soon, but do remember that please. I put a lot of thought into this to make it all fit his character, but in the end, the scale tips to Keith's side because his pain is so not worth it. 
> 
> I hope you guys are still enjoying this, and you can contact me anytime if you want to discuss anything. Cheers!


	4. make it rough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the wait! 
> 
> [Song for the intermissions](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LatorN4P9aA)

**.**

**someday love will find you**

**.**

This might have been their longest fight since their lives as Paladins began.

If asked to retell what happened, Keith doesn’t think he could remember every detail, regardless of how big or small they are. It was all a blur from start to finish, and all of it is insignificant when they’re faced with the results. They won, yes, but it cost everything.

It cost them Allura.

Standing here in what could be another Astral Plane, the ground mirroring the countless stars glimmering all around them on that pale lavender backdrop, Keith feels number than he has ever felt before. She’s been gone for less than a full minute, his brain has barely registered it, and already that inner voice is berating him, saying in harsh tones that he should’ve done  _ something, you’re the leader, she’s gone because of  _ you _. _

Guilt eats his insides as it eats everyone else’s. An inconsolable Pidge clings to Hunk, who holds her just as tightly, and Lance is so broken he’s frozen in time, staring at the last spot she had been standing before dissipating into nothingness like a mirage in the desert. Shiro is looking down at his feet, hurt visible on every line of his face. Keith wants to crouch down, grab his hair and scream until his throat is raw and his voice is gone. They’re a team - were supposed to be a team, through thick and thin, always together. 

As a team they followed her, chose to trust her plan, never once questioning what it could be. She never told anyone, not even Lance or Romelle or Coran, what her ideas were, how her brain was putting together a scheme that would end it once and for all. Keith had been stupid to think it could have ended well for  _ all _ of them given that the dark mote had been the one guiding her. 

Now, he’s desperately trying to find a way to reverse this, but his thoughts are too scrambled to be of help.

Lance finally crumbles as the starry sky begins to fade, falls to his knees hard and heavy, but doesn’t utter a sound. Next thing Keith knows, he’s in the pilot seat of the Black Lion, the Atlas before him, her lights flickering back to life. They’ve disassembled. He still doesn’t know how they managed to combine Voltron and that massive spacecraft together in the first place. 

There’s silence in the comms save for a few garbled words that come from the Atlas. Once it stabilizes, they can hear the bridge crew asking Shiro for questions. Coran’s concerned voice shoots straight through Keith’s heart. How will they tell him? How will  _ Keith _ tell him?

The Lions float around in space, the silence of the other Paladins deafening and loud. Keith takes the initiative, steers Black towards Blue, and Pidge joins him in towing the Lion into the Atlas while Hunk guides Red back. She lands down on her hangar by herself, opens her jaw wide to let Hunk inside. He returns with a quivering and crying Lance in his arms, barely standing on his own. The new Altean markings on his face are alien and suit him all at once, the last piece of Allura left with them. 

Kosmo is the first to reach the hangars, the massive wolf appearing by his side in a flash of light. He whimpers, bumping his head into Keith’s shaky hand. Others soon arrive, led there by Shiro. Veronica goes to Lance’s side immediately, eyes widening when she takes a good look at his face, reaching to him with unsteady hands. She holds him tight, cheek pressed to the crown of his head, and Hunk steps away from them to accept the comfort given to him by Shay. The Holts flock towards Pidge, Bae bae in tow.

“What happened?” Coran is still asking when he does a double take, recounting the number of people in Paladin armor. “Where’s Allura?”

Lance’s body-wrenching sob should be answer enough. Keith can pinpoint the exact moment when Coran’s heart stutters and drops into the pit of his stomach, anguish and denial flickering in his eyes. Coran looks at him for answers - not Lance, or Shiro, or anyone else - and Keith gulps, tries to stand tall and appear strong. It doesn’t work.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers with a slow shake of his head. “We couldn’t - I’m sorry.” Keith’s seen this happening before, long ago. Coran lost her to Zarkon once, when she and Shiro snuck into a Galra cruiser and she tossed him across the room so he’d land inside an escape pod. 

Then, he had thought the logical thing to do was leave her behind. Now, he wants to rip into the fabric of space and time and bring her back.

She always had a thing for sacrificing herself to save other people, allowing herself to be captured and taken to an evil Emperor, or leaving the Castleship in the middle of the night to make sure Zarkon was not tracking them through her. Selfless until her last moments, far braver and wiser than anyone Keith has met. 

And yet, he hadn’t seen this coming, too comfortable with the belief they would make it through unscathed and together.

“Allura chose to go,” he begins, unable to meet Coran’s eyes. He ignores the unsteadiness of his own voice, how wet it sounds to his own ears. “To save us. All of us. The universe.” 

Belatedly, Keith realizes he has no last words of hers to offer him. Her parting had been hasty, so much so they’d forgotten about other people that matter to her. It takes time until the words sink in and when they do, Coran has to lean into the nearest wall for support. Keith wants to help him, apologize until his voice runs out, but it’s too late for that now.

Acxa and Romelle come to his side, the latter with tears streaming down her face, bottom lip trembling. Keith can’t do much for her aside from offering a shoulder for her to cry on.

Without any spoken word, they all take their leave, trudging to their rooms. Hunk goes with Lance and Veronica, and Colleen and Sam take Pidge to their room. Acxa and Keith walk Coran to his room, where he’s left alone to mourn and crumble in privacy, and Keith makes a detour to Romelle’s room. Acxa doesn’t offer any comforting words, which he’s thankful for, parting ways when they pass by her door.

Romelle doesn’t take it well. They were both Altean girls around the same age who bonded fairly quickly over the course of months, always spotted together in the year it had taken to rebuild Earth. Romelle had been there when Allura woke up in the hospital, helped her out with her first date, shared secrets and fears, and reassured the Princess when needed.

She cries into his chest, tries to hold onto the material of his undersuit, and he wraps her up in his arms and lets her weep until she falls into a fitful sleep. Keith unravels her hair free and lies her down on her bed with care, smoothing blonde locks away from her tear-stained face. Kosmo lies down behind her, curled up in a tight ball to keep watch.

Physically and emotionally exhausted, Keith squeezes himself into the space left on the bed. Romelle stirs with a sound of protest at his wiggling, but doesn’t wake up. She may not have fought Honerva, but a death takes a heavy toll on someone. Still, he can’t fall asleep.

**.**

**break those chains that bind you**

**.**

“It’s just as I remember.” 

They had seen this not so long ago, sprawling juniberry fields, mountains in the distance, a big moon in the bright blue sky, all of it brought back by Allura’s hands, by her love for her people. Coran crouches down to touch pink petals, fingers ghosting over them as if the flower is so fragile it will crumble to dust or flicker out of existence. This does feel like a dream. Keith wishes it were.

Kosmo lingers by his side, a comforting presence, sniffing at the flowers. Romelle stops a few paces ahead, spinning in place at a loss, trying to take it in. She was born and raised in Lotor’s colony, grew up listening to old tales about Altea, her homeplanet lost in a war. This must be as mindblowing to her as it is to Keith. 

She turns to him, wide eyed. “This is...” 

“Overwhelming?” He offers after a few beats of silence, and she nods slowly, still scrambling to digest everything. 

Coran stands up. Regardless of how old he truly is, he looks older than ten thousand years for once, with shadows under his eyes and a near permanent frown to his face. His steps are heavy, like it takes him a lot of effort not to drag his feet. “How...?” 

Keith doesn’t have an answer for that, or for any of the questions that were brought up since they returned to the Atlas without Allura. He’d been asking himself the same things since, and other whys and what ifs too, from the moment he was back in the Black Lion to the moment the Atlas picked up two pairs of coordinates that led to planets that weren’t there before. The sight of Altea waiting for them, the real one and not an illusion made up by a corrupted A.I., only makes this more puzzling. 

He glances back at the Alteans filtering out of the Atlas, aided by the other Paladins, Shiro and his crew, too far for him to read their expressions, but the shock in their body language is evident enough. Keith should be there as well, helping the ones they managed to save from Honerva, but chose to stick with Coran and Romelle instead. However reluctant he still feels about donning the title of Black Paladin, especially with Shiro around again, Keith still is the leader of Voltron and it was his responsibility to bring them all back safe and sound. 

But he failed that, as he failed Allura, Coran and Romelle, and he feels personally responsible for her sacrifice and their grief. They don’t need to know that, though. This isn’t about him. 

“The city shouldn’t be so far from here.” 

Coran leads the way, Romelle by his side. Keith follows a few steps behind, between the duo and the group of survivors that walk at a sedated pace behind them. Altea is like something out of a children’s fairy tale book, all sparkling lakes under bright sunlight, fluffy clouds, trees with full canopies swaying in the breeze. 

There’s something odd about Altea, an energy that touches him deep in his core and leaves him breathless, though Keith can’t begin to fathom what it can be. He feels it everywhere, in the ground with every step he takes, in every tree, every breeze that touches him. Romelle rubs a hand over her sternum, casting him a troubled gaze from over her shoulder, and Coran can’t stop flexing his fingers. Maybe they feel it too.

Past a patch of woods, they find the main city, tall white buildings stretching towards the sky, highlighted by the cyan blue they’ve come to associate with Altean technology. It’s a beautiful sight.

Allura restored everything to its former glory. He hears Romelle’s tiny gasp and the hum that comes from Coran, his face twisting up in thought. The murmur of the Alteans and the others grow louder as more people catch up with them. 

“She brought it back,” Coran marvels, nodding towards the building at the end of a bridge, similar to the Castleship. No, it  _ is _ the Castleship.

“Brings back memories.” So many of them, though he hadn’t stayed around as much as the others. Keith trusts the Atlas crew to get everyone settled, and walks with his friends towards the doors of the Castle of Lions. 

He feels like he was thrown back in time, to that day when they first found it in Arus and wandered inside hesitantly, awed by the layout, head still spinning from flying a mechanical Lion - and from Lance’s awful piloting skills. Their footsteps echo in the stillness of the castle even when they’re trying to walk as silently as possible. 

Coran leads them down a familiar path they’ve walked countless times, bringing them to stand in the center of the bridge. He looks at the elevated floor where Allura would stand and command the ship, that forlorn smile appearing on his face again, a sight that’s becoming more common as days pass. Keith admires this man, still standing after he lost the few things remaining from his time, not bothering to hide or mask his sadness. 

The other Paladins join them in the bridge, something like nostalgia in their faces, thinking back to a time when one of the hardest things they had done was fight that robeast in Balmera. Pidge and Hunk go to their designed seats, and Lance gravitates closer to Coran. They’ve been spending a lot of time together, finding strength in their grief. Keith and the others lost a dear friend, someone akin to a sister while Coran and Lance lost something more. 

“I haven’t been here in so long.” Shiro says from the doorway, and if Keith closed his eyes, he could pretend they’re back to the first days of their journey, except for the glaringly obvious absence. 

Keith walks to the observation windows, looks out at the city, the tiny dots of people so far away. Kosmo bumps his head into his thigh, and Keith reaches out. The wolf is so attuned to his emotions and feelings that he knows when Keith needs some comfort, something to ground him to the moment, and right now Keith needs this more than anything.

“She would have loved to see this happening.” Coran says, voice surprisingly close. He stands a short distance away, hands clasped behind his back, eyes tracing over the cityscape below. “Altea was so important to her.” 

“It’s why she brought it back,” Hunk replies, soft and quiet. “When she fixed the realities... So her people would have a home to go back to.” 

Romelle is standing so close her arm brushes against Keith’s. He lets her, willing to give her all the comfort she needs. “What are we going to do without her?” 

“I don’t know,” is Keith’s honest reply. Coran closes his eyes with a heavy sigh. “But we’ll figure something out.” 

“We have a lot to do.” Pidge steps away from the Green Paladin seat. “I... I’d like to visit my old room, though.” 

“It’s probably empty.” Lance’s voice has been hoarse for days, and he’s been so quiet too, rarely speaking. 

She shrugs at his reply, not taking offense in its emotionlessness. “I know, but still.”

“We can take some time to look around the Castle of Lions again.” Shiro declares, and Keith had almost forgotten he was in the room. “Does a varga sound good enough?”

There are only two places Keith would like to visit. The training deck, for starters, where he had spent most of his days, killing time and honing his abilities to be a better Paladin. They sure came in handy later when he joined the Blades full time, however reckless and unpolished his fighting style was, in Kolivan’s words.

The other place is his bedroom. He had never lingered in there for long like Pidge and Lance would, choosing only to return when it was time to sleep or he was in need to hide away. His bedroom was, in many ways, simply a room that had been assigned to him. Keith had never bothered to make it more homely, to give it his own touch and really claim it as his own. It was just a room.

Kosmo bounds in first as soon as the door opens, sniffing at every corner and nook. Before his departure, Keith hadn’t bothered to take anything with him, fully intending on spending all of his time in as many missions as possible. He’d left his jacket behind, neatly folded on top of his pillow, boots pushed up close to the foot of the bed, and his few change of clothes arranged orderly in a single drawer. He wasn’t expecting to find the room as he’d left it, yet disappointment trickles down his spine when Keith finds it bare of his meagre possessions.

In a way, if he’d spotted his red jacket there, then he would feel like there was a chance to undo this mess by the end of the week.

But there’s no glimpse of red in the room that isn’t from his Paladin uniform, and he sinks down on the mattress with a heaviness that’s too big for his body. Kosmo places his head on his lap, looking up at him with glinting, sad golden eyes, and Keith couldn’t hold back his rueful smile even if he tried, petting the wolf and silently thanking him for trying to cheer him up. 

Their stay in the room lasts a few minutes. Soon Keith feels the need to leave, not finding comfort in here anymore.  _ Here _ being Altea as a whole, not just this younger version of the Castle of Lions. The more he stays, the more he feels like Allura’s presence is getting stronger, like she could walk through the door at any moment and ask him about his day.

It’s as if Allura’s essence is embedded in every wall of this castle, every building and blade of grass in Altea. Keith feels it like he felt the Blue Lion calling to him in the desert, a distant but insistent call he can’t decypher, can only sense and chase helplessly. 

“Let’s go, boy.” Keith can’t stay here any longer. The feeling is stronger here in the Castleship, more concentrated, than when they were outside. He needs to leave.

One detail he’d forgotten about the Castle of Lions was that his room was near Shiro’s, so Keith shouldn’t be surprised to find him standing there, hand on the panel beside the door. Shiro looks at him,  _ really _ looks at him, and it’s only years of knowing him that allow Keith to read the million questions that swim in his eyes. And Keith for once would stay to hear it, wouldn’t run or turn back, and would put aside all the hurt for just a moment. 

Shiro inhales deeply, parts his lips, and Keith waits but no sound comes out.

Disappointment chokes him so hard he stops breathing.

“Keith!” 

He whirls around at the sound of Romelle’s voice and quick steps, blonde pigtails bouncing as she runs up to him. She’s got that frown on her face again. Kosmo moves closer to her as soon as she stops within Keith’s reach. 

“Can we - can we leave?” She gasps out, twisting the orange fabric of the Garrison uniform in her fists. “I don’t feel well here.” 

“Of course.” He reaches out to her and rubs comforting circles on her back. “Do you feel it too?”

She nods, quick and jerky. “Can I stay with you tonight? This is too much.” 

“Yeah, you know you can.” 

Approaching Romelle was easy since the moment they first met, and when Krolia extended her wing to the girl who’d lost her family, it only felt natural that Keith would do the same. Soon, she was considered part of  _ their _ little family. Of course they’d never replace her actual parents and brother, but if he had a sister, he can only picture her as being exactly like Romelle. And Keith will do anything to protect those dear to him, even if it is simply sharing a bed so she will feel comforted and safe. 

Romelle rubs at her tired eyes as he steers them down the hall the way she came. Looking back at Shiro, he finds the man staring down at his feet, utterly helpless.

**.**

**one night will remind you**

**.**

Coran and Romelle stay behind in New Altea. The Atlas spends some time there to help sort things out, making a reluctant Coran a very much needed temporary regent to guide the people. He is the only one left that had had contact with the royal bloodline and all customs and laws of the Alteans; there was no better choice for that. Romelle stays as his assistant.

The Lions are returned to their rightful place. It’s sad to see them locked up in their hangars, and even worse to hope that they will never be needed again.

As the distance between Atlas and New Altea grows, the connection they have with the Lions and the second voice in their heads slowly, but surely diminishes. Hard to tell if it is completely eradicated, but their minds feel much too quiet.

Returning to Earth victorious doesn’t feel as good as they had expected, not when an important part of the team, a friend, is not with them anymore. When they see their home planet in the distance, all they feel is a weariness deep in their very bones that weighs them down.  

As they touch down on Earth in Garrison territory, the family and friends of officers and cadets wait for them outside, cheering when the ship comes into view. Keith lingers on top of the ramp as others go down to reunite with family and friends, watches as Hunk beelines straight into his parents’ awaiting open arms, and Lance and Veronica meet with their big family off to the side, away from the commotion. Acxa and the other Blades lead Zethrid and other troublemakers away.

Eyes searching, he finally spots familiar faces and hurries down the ramp. Kosmo helps, zapping them closer to Krolia, and she wraps them up in her arms in a tight hug, tucking Keith’s face in the crook of her neck to bury her nose in his hair. He clings to her just as tightly, curls his fingers around her Blade suit. When they pull apart a full minute later, Kosmo stands on his hind legs to lick her face, and Kolivan steps forth from where he’d been watching. 

“Hi, mom.” He feels like his heart is going to burst. Her smile is so big it creases most of her eyes, shimmery with unshed tears. “Sorry I lost your knife.”

She lets out a small huff, shakes her head as she cups his face, squishing his cheeks a bit, and he can’t help but snort. “I’m just glad you’re back safely. That’s what matters most to me.” Krolia brushes his hair out of his face to press a kiss to his forehead. “You made me so worried.” 

“I’m sorry.” He can’t apologize enough to her or Romelle for worrying them out of their minds. “Just wanted to get them out of there.” 

The smile she gives him says she understands even if she might disagree with his ways.

Keith takes a step back to rummage through the duffel bag he carries containing his scarce belongings, and takes out the gift wrapped in plain brown paper Sam Holt had found in his office. “Romelle wanted to see you again, but chose to stay with Coran to help him. She got this for you in Drazan.” 

She takes the gift, her claws making it easy to rip apart the cheap manilla paper. Shoulders jumping in silent laughter, her thumb smooths over the grumpy face of the little Red Paladin doll Romelle won in a game. “I love it.” Krolia turns it around in her hands, then lifts it up to compare it to the real deal. “I’ll give her a call later to thank her.” 

Kolivan steps forward, and Keith goes to greet him, stumbling when Kolivan drags him into an unexpected hug. It’s an unusual gesture, but Keith welcomes it, sinking into the embrace and wrapping his arms around him, too. 

“You made us proud, Keith.” Kolivan offers him a tiny smile, more like a hint of curved lips, but a smile nonetheless. 

Krolia perks up when she sees Colleen approaching them and tucks the little Paladin doll under her arm to offer her a hand. Colleen takes it, then readjusts the grip to hold onto Krolia’s forearm. The simple gesture makes his mom grin wide.

“Good to see you again, Colleen.”

“Likewise, Krolia.” 

“Romelle told me you watched out for Keith up there. Thank you so much.” 

“Us mothers look out for our children’s friends.” Colleen says with a smile. “I was told you were with them during the first half of their journey to return home.” Keith doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to her soft eyes looking at him. “He was a great assistant in my little greenhouse lab. You’re all invited to have dinner with us once we get settled. Bring Acxa along, she was of great help, too.” 

“Thank you for the hospitality.” Kolivan dips his head, and Colleen takes her leave with a quick wave to rejoin her family waiting in the sidelines. 

They exit the landing site and walk back to the rooms provided by the Garrison long before launch day. A warm shower is very much needed, as is the simple home cooked meal prepared by his mom, and they sit side by side on the counter as he tells her everything about their time in space, rushing through the beginning and the middle, and focusing a lot on the end.

It’s been few weeks since they lost Allura, and the wound still feels fresh. He wonders if someday they’ll learn to live with the pain and the guilt of letting her shoulder that burden by herself. The moods of the Paladins and those that knew Allura in the Atlas had been morose since their return from that Astral Plane, and Lance has been so melancholic. 

For the first time in forever, Keith gets some decent hours of sleep, tucked between Kosmo and his mom in the simple double bed. A tight fit, but it serves its purpose of giving him comfort and a blissful dreamless sleep, reminds him of colder nights spent by the fire in the Quantum Abyss. 

When he awakens, it’s to muffled sounds coming from outside. Families and friends of Garrison personnel arranged a last-minute welcoming party, something small and simple by Garrison standards, tents scattered about the open field where cadets usually have their morning drills, foods and drinks provided by local merchants (and some aliens). Wandering around the field, it leaves a bad taste in Keith’s mouth to celebrate when someone had been lost. He takes the meat skewers shoved in his direction by an elderly woman profusely thanking him for protecting Earth, and finds a secluded place to hide away, offering one of the skewers to Kosmo. The wolf eats it in seconds. 

Away from the throng of people, Keith stands by himself until Lance finds him and joins in on observing the stars. The companionable silence is broken when Lance sighs, “Now I understand how you felt.”

“Hmm?” Keith prompts around a mouthful of grilled meat, gaze on him, but Lance keeps his eyes heavenwards.

“When Shiro disappeared.” He clarifies. Hunk finds them, then, a disposable plate of food in hands. “Both times he did, you were convinced he was out there. I understand it now.” 

Pidge is the next one to come, gives Hunk a questioning look, but he only shakes his head and wraps an arm around Lance’s shoulders. Keith passes one of the skewers to her, and she takes it. 

“I have a feeling she’s somewhere waiting to be found.” Lance lowers his head, brushes the back of his hand on the underside of his nose. Hunk squeezes him tighter into his side, and Kosmo approaches him as well, having sensed a drop in the mood. 

As Shiro steps into their circle, Pidge moves towards the hugging duo once Lance’s tears increase. Keith goes, and so does Shiro, the five of them meeting in a tight group hug in a show of support for their friend. Shiro’s arm is warm and heavy over Keith’s back, his brain hyperfocusing on the sensation of being touched by him for the first time in so, so long. 

They break apart, the three youngest members with tear filled eyes, and all Keith can manage is a wane smile in return. “If you ever choose to go out looking for her, you can count on me.” There’s a brief chorus of agreements, and Lance voices a watery thanks.

“So, is this it?” Hunk asks, finally tackling what they weren’t ready to face. “Is this how it ends?”

“I think so,” Pidge says, albeit uncertain. “The universe doesn’t need Voltron anymore. We can do whatever we want now.” 

“I never stopped to consider what comes after.” Shiro confesses. “Do you guys have any plans?” 

Once his question is answered in the form of unsure shrugs from the other Paladins, Keith says, “I’ll probably travel with the Blades. There’s still a lot to be done.” 

Shiro frowns at the answer, but Keith focuses his attention on Lance. “You can’t just disappear off the face of the Earth like that.”

“I won’t. We have communicators for that.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same thing.” Hunk counters, predictably supporting Lance. “We should do something. Like a meeting.”

“We can meet every year in New Altea.” Pidge suggests after a lapse of silence. “Meet Coran and Romelle again, pay respects to Allura.” 

“That’s a great idea, Pidge.” Shiro claps his prosthetic hand around her shoulder. Keith wonders if anyone else can notice how he’s forcing himself to sound fine. “Do we have an agreement?”

They settle on an annual date and spend the rest of the night together. 

**.**

**how we touched and went our separate ways**

**.**

Keith hasn’t been in Iverson’s office in a long, long time. The man himself hasn’t been either, given the way a thin layer of dust is settled on his tabletop, leaving behind marks of where Iverson’s fingers have touched. He watches as Iverson shifts in his chair, as if he no longer knows how to feel comfortable in it. Like Kolivan, his shoulders don’t seem as rigid as they used to be, the lines on his face aren’t as severe, and his steps are lighter.

“Well,” Iverson starts once he’s given up on trying to fit in. “I called you here for a reason.” 

Keith straightens up in his seat, possibly knows what this is about, too. “Yes?”

“As you are well aware already, since Admiral Sanda’s passing we deferred power to Shirogane and Holt, as they were the ones who had more experience in dealing with the Galra. They did a wonderful job reconstructing Earth, and we’ve been debating keeping their statuses.” 

“That’s... Great, really. They deserve it.” 

“It’s likely that Holt will be appointed Admiral with Shirogane as his second in command.” 

Keith considers it. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to have you as the second in command?”

“I already have too much to deal with as it is,” Iverson dismisses with what Keith thinks is a hint of a smile on his face and a wave of his hand. “We’re here to talk about you, however.”

Ah, there it is. “What about me?”

“We - I understand if you have... Negative feelings towards the Galaxy Garrison after everything that transpired in regards to the Kerberos Mission, but you have come a long way from the cadet you once were.” Iverson clears his throat, and that’s as much as a sign of shame as Keith will ever see from him. “We would like to offer you a position within our ranks. Even without graduating, your skills are invaluable.”

Keith has the answer on the tip of his tongue, has had it there since the moment Iverson summoned him to his dusty office, but he pretends to mull it over anyway. He doesn’t feel well enough to be grounded. He wants to fly into the stars and hide from all the pain that’s been nesting in his chest, from the grief of losing his best friend, and then losing an irreplaceable teammate and friend. From having to see the ones that were left suffering and feel responsible for their sadness, from feeling powerless and helpless to help them at all. 

“Thank you for the offer,” he says eventually, but it seems Iverson has already taken his silence as an answer. “But my place is with the Blades now.” 

“I understand.” Iverson concedes. “If you ever change your mind, though.”

“I’ll let you know.” 

He can breathe a little easier once he’s out of Iverson’s office. The idea of being grounded on Earth is terrifying. Keith’s never had anything to tie him to this place after he lost his dad up until he met Shiro, and once again nothing is holding him down. Space has always called for him; maybe his Galra genes have always longed to go back home, wherever that was supposed to be then. 

The Garrison is already preparing to go back to business now that the Atlas has returned, and so people wander the hallways during most of the day. Keith acknowledges starry-eyed glances and sharp salutes with nods, but doesn’t linger to talk. He wants to flee. Too many memories lie in these reconstructed walls, and he’s trying to outrun them. 

A trip to the graveyard is in order. He hasn’t been to his father’s grave in a long, long time. He should call his mom, get Kosmo and head down the path to that tiny cemetery. Maybe invite Kolivan to tag along; he’s family now, too. But before Keith can form a concrete plan, he runs into Acxa. It’s a relief to see her not wearing the ugly orange cadet uniform. Having to see their Altean friends in it was bad enough. Someone needs to be spared. 

“Hey,” he greets, slowing down to a stop. They haven’t talked in a while, he realizes now, shamefully. “Is everything okay?” 

“Yes. Zethrid and Ezor have requested to see you, though.” 

That’s intriguing. He lets her guide the way to the room where they are being kept. The Garrison is not equipped to house intergalactic criminals, or criminals of any kind actually, so the facility doesn’t have any cells. She takes him down to the quarantine area where astro explorers stay before and after space trips for decontamination and recovery, to a room with a large glass panel on the wall. Zethrid still has her arm on a sling, her other hand curled into a large fist, resting on her thigh. Ezor looks up when they near the door, giving them a timid smile that is unlike her. 

Acxa lets them into the room. Nor Zethrid or Ezor are restrained in any way. He had caught wind that they helped the Atlas crew at some point during their journey, but between his inner turmoil and everything happening around him, Keith had forgotten to ask anyone about it. 

He tries hard not to cross his arms. “Acxa told me you wanted to talk.” 

They remain quiet at first. Ezor is looking down at Zethrid, so Keith focuses his gaze on her as well. After a literal push from her partner, Zethrid grumbles and scratches the back of her head, flicking her eyes up to his face. She doesn’t seem angry, just - embarrassed. “I - sorry for almost killing you.” 

Keith’s eyebrow arch high on his forehead. This is unexpected. He looks at Ezor, at a loss, and her eyes are honest enough. A look at Acxa confirms that Zethrid’s apology is genuine. “Oh, huh - yeah, it’s - it’s fine.” 

The look Acxa gives him could be her equivalent of a scoff or snort. “It’s fine?”

“You’re too good for your own good,” Ezor pipes up. “Do you ever resent people?”

“As a matter of fact, I do.” He replies, finally giving in and crossing his arms. “But what could I even say to this? She already crushed my windpipe, what am I supposed to do about it now?”

Zethrid shifts uncomfortably on the chair. Ezor goes on, “You’re allowed to not accept apologies, you know.” 

“Enough.” Acxa cuts in, narrowing her eyes at Ezor, who simply shrugs. “I brought him here for a reason. You  _ want _ him to accept the apology, remember?” 

Ezor grows serious again, nodding, and nudges Zethrid once more. “Why me?” 

“Well, I wasn’t the one that  _ crushed his windpipe _ .” 

“Ugh.” Zethrid pinches the bridge of her nose, and again Keith waits for her to speak. It takes a while until she looks him in the eyes again. “We would like to join you on your travels.” 

Huh. “You want to be a part of the Blade of Marmora?” 

“We want to join  _ you _ ,” Ezor repeats, and the emphasis clarifies some things. “If we become a member of the Blade of Marmora later for that, then cool, if not...” She shrugs.

“Becoming a Blade is really just a consequence,” Acxa murmurs, and he gives her a sidelong stare. “They do want to have  _ you _ as their leader.”

It’s a lot to think about, and it’s not a decision he can make on the spot. Keith ponders over what he can tell them now, but nothing that comes to mind sounds decent. There are many doubts about it, too. “I’ll have to ask Kolivan and my mom for their input.” He settles for saying, and in the same meeting he can bring up Acxa’s status. “I can’t decide this on my own, and there will be resistance, because-”

“I get it,” Zethrid says when he makes a vague gesture between them. 

“Yeah.” Krolia will not be happy to hear about this. “I’ll let you know, but I can’t make any promises.” 

That seems to be good enough for now. He nods at them and turns to walk back the way he came, but Ezor’s voice stops him. “May I give you unsolicited advice on your personal life?”

“No.” 

“Too bad, you’re getting it anyway.” Keith whirls around to face her, arms folded over his chest. “Talk to him.” 

He turns to Acxa, and she takes a step back. “I didn’t say anything.”

“It was very easy to notice there was a shift,” Ezor elaborates. “Sort this out before you leave. At least then you’ll get some answers, or will know what to expect when you see him again.” 

He stares at her, considering. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

**.**

**if he ever hurts you**

**.**

Keith doesn’t act on it for many days. First he makes that trip to the graveyard with his mom, then they meet with Kolivan to discuss official Blade matters. As expected, they’re not happy to hear that Zethrid and Ezor want to travel with Keith. They have reasons to not trust the two, though when asked, Acxa says they finally see what she’s seen in Keith all those years ago and that they  _ want _ to do better. Hard to believe, but they do trust in Acxa now, so he leaves it on Krolia’s and Kolivan’s hands.

Acxa herself is now considered trustworthy enough to be trained by the Blades before her trials. Veronica and the MFE pilots confirmed in private talks with Kolivan himself that she had been helpful and an active part of the crew in the days they spent on space. She accepts the news with enthusiasm, as much as she allows herself to show.

(And, Keith thinks, her having helped him in his times of need certainly helped them reach this decision.)

Keith is promoted. It comes as a surprise, the folded Senior suit unceremoniously presented to him by his mom in what could have been just another regular night of group training. A great leader, an essential part of the Blades and of Voltron, Kolivan says to the room, though his eyes don’t stray away from him. It’s a long way he’s come, from the boy desperately looking for answers to a young man capable of leading a team through a war, and he swears to honor the Blade of Marmora and the new uniform he wears.

Romelle squeals in the video chat when he shows her the new outfit, and the Paladins congratulate him one by one as he runs into them in the Garrison, still getting used to the knew weight on his shoulders. Acxa is a constant presence by his side, wordlessly assigned his second in command, awaiting her own promotion. 

His life is surprisingly piecing itself together quickly now that Voltron is no more, but the missing chunks where Allura and Shiro used to be throb and bleed still. 

Keith is about to meet up with Krolia and Kolivan a few days after becoming a Senior member when he crosses paths with Shiro. It’s the first time they see each other since that moment they spent with the Paladins after their arrival, and it’s the first time they’re alone since Shiro and Keith stared at each other in a newly restored Castle of Lions. 

Upon spotting him, Keith’s heart picks up speed and stirs the dormant heartache that had been momentarily forgotten due to their recent loss. His chest grows tight, constricts as if a boulder is weighing down on his ribcage. Everything hurts. 

“Hey. I heard about your promotion from Hunk. Congratulations!” 

Keith wonders if Shiro resents him for not sharing the news himself, if only for a second. But Shiro is grinning wide like he’s genuinely happy for him, so no, Shiro doesn’t mind it at all. “Yeah. Thanks, didn’t see that coming.” 

“You deserve it.” That’s when Shiro would clasp his shoulder, but Keith doesn’t look down to see if his fingers do as much as twitch. “I’m proud of you.” 

“Thanks again,” Keith tries to smile. It feels more like a grimace. 

This is more than he can take. He should excuse himself and go on his way, put some distance between them for the sake of his own heart and mind. Keith’s feet won’t work, though, and Ezor’s unsolicited advice rings in his ears. Whenever they had a problem before, he could talk to Shiro about anything, and vice versa. That’s why they got along so well, why they were the best of friends, no secrets were kept, they shared everything. Sorting this out, talking to him again, should be easy.

“Shiro.”

“Hmm?” 

Shiro is looking at him, hasn’t stopped looking since silence settled over them, small smile in place and earnest eyes on Keith’s face. It should be easy, but it’s not. Keith doesn’t want to put Shiro in this position, back him up against the wall and insinuate that something isn’t right, that he was the one that pushed Keith away first. Just like he never approached Shiro about the clone facility, Keith won’t do it now. He can’t. He respects Shiro too much to say anything. 

A way out is easily given to him, a sudden memory of that conversation he had with Iverson in his office. “Good luck with the Garrison.”

Shiro’s smile slips for a second before it’s back in place, more forced than before. “Thanks, Keith.”

With a curt nod, Keith leaves as fast as he can. 

**.**

**true love won’t desert you**

**.**

Staying on Earth makes him antsy. Keith hadn’t remained still when he lost Shiro the first time, or the second, and he’s not about to grow stagnant now, but things need to be done before he can take off for good.

The Voltron Coalition, now turned Galactic Coalition, meets on Earth to discuss what should be done now that the biggest threat is gone. Coran participates via video conference, unable to leave New Altea as they’re still settling down. Keith takes part in some of the meetings, usually when either Kolivan or his mom can’t make it due to Blade matters, but most of the time he remains out of the meeting room. It’s an affair that lasts for several days, only to be put on hold and resumed later. 

With most of the Galra Empire gone, he works with others to give it a new purpose, contacting Generals and high ranking officers of Zarkon’s old reign to trace the best path to follow, one that tries to meet most of their needs. It’s astonishing to see them open to change, but Keith is immensely glad they’re cooperating.

Keith is left in charge of overseeing the training of potential new Blades; Ezor and Zethrid are in it to be tested for their reliability. The training stages are quicker, but intense. They’re put through strenuous settings each day, having to use their wits and skills to find the way out. Acxa had had more time to let the Seniors study her resolve, virtues and values, so she participates as an instructor sometimes.

Meanwhile, the Garrison works to officialize Samuel Holt’s ascension to admiralty, reformulating most of the previous brass to include officers with different, newer views. Iverson is among them, and so are Matt and Pidge. Colleen Holt would rather stay in her lab, but still is an honorary member. 

A small celebration follows, dinner for those involved, Paladins, and closest friends. Keith couldn’t not show up, and left Acxa in charge of the Blade training session to be held at the same time. Sitting beside him, Kosmo brings him comfort, now as tall as Keith himself and he’ll continue to get bigger still. Lance and Hunk stay with him by the table reserved to the Paladins. Pidge sits with her family, and Shiro sits with Iverson and other members of the brass.

Shiro mingles after dinner, accepting congratulations with a modest smile. Hunk gives him a bear hug, and Lance pats him amicably on the back, lines of grief still lingering on his face. Keith, having stood to his feet when he neared, keeps the table between them as he had once before.

“Congratulations.” He says, honest, and Shiro observes him in silence. Keith doesn’t make a move to shake his hand.

“Thank you, Keith.” Shiro lingers, wanting to say more, but can’t stay forever. He walks backwards once he’s called, and Keith is the first to look away, breaking eye contact. He ignores the inquisitive glances of the other two Paladins, not curious, just concerned, but he’d rather not talk about it. 

Lance departs from the Garrison a week later, a crate of juniberry saplings in his hands, headed to his parents’ lands in Cuba in need of some time with his family. He asks Keith if he would be willing to help once Lance gets any clues of Allura’s whereabouts, and Keith offers his support.

Hunk, unsure of what to do now, decides to trace a path through space to follow in the upcoming months, hoping to come across something that will give him purpose. He arranges to have his parents go with him, to take them to Balmera and visit Shay’s homeplanet. He wants to visit Arus again, and maybe find something that will lead him to any remaining Olkari that could have survived. 

Kolivan oversees the last of Zethrid’s and Ezor’s training on Earth, and finally gives them the green light to join Keith in his new journey. The Blade uniform might come at a later time if they continue to grow as individuals. For now, they are allowed to accompany all of the Blades to Feyiv and then to a newly restored Daibazaal, where Galrans are going to come together for the first time in millenia at his request. Much like the Alteans, they have to decide on the fate of their race. 

The ships are loaded and ready to go, some of them airborne already, waiting for the Seniors to lead the way. Colleen releases him from her hug with a wish of good luck and lets Pidge draw Keith into her arms as Krolia and Kolivan speak with Admiral Holt and Vice Admiral Shirogane. Matt clasps hands with Keith and pulls him in a hug, thumps his back heartily. Keith can’t not snort at Matt’s new haircut, a product of a lab experience gone wrong, so Matt thumps his back harder. 

“Good luck, Keith. You’ve come so far.” He whispers, tightening his hold. “And stop scaring us with near death experiences. I’ve seen too many of them.”

Keith nods, pulling back from the hug to smile at him. That memory had been buried somewhere deep in his mind until now, the rush of adrenaline and the tightness of his fingers around the controls, teeth ground together, white noise in his ears, sweat beading on his forehead. A desperate attempt to save Voltron, to save the team, to save Shiro, the one who could lead them to victory, the one he loves the most.

He’d forgotten that he’d scared Matt, Coran and other rebel fighters long ago.

“What does he mean?” Pidge asks, frowning at him. “What other experiences?” 

“Just Blade stuff.” He assures her, but suspicion has already been implanted in her brain. Keith reaches out to ruffle her hair, and she swats his hand away with a scowl, but that gets her to drop it. For now.

Stepping back, he turns to the Admirals and salutes at them, eyes focused on Holt. Sam shakes his head, smiles and waves at him, and Shiro - Keith doesn’t look at him to find out. 

He waves at them again from the ramp leading up to the ship. Pidge stops patting down her hair to return the wave, hand high above her head. “Call us if you need, Keith!” 

Krolia says it’s sweet how they offer to help him without being pushy about it, and she thinks he’s missing the opportunity to let them in. Truth is, Keith has never been easy to handle, and now that he feels like a mess, he doesn’t want to burden anyone with it. The one who had bothered doesn’t care anymore, and it’s better not to have it happen again.

He shoots her a thumbs up and wanders into the ship, knowing that the next time they meet again, she’s either going to press him for answers - or she’ll have found the answers herself, but that’s a problem he will deal with when the time comes. 

For the second time in his life, Keith boards an alien spaceship and leaves Earth behind.

**.**

**you know I still love you**

**.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a long list of things to say, but it seems I forgot most of it alsfkha again, sorry for the wait! I got stuck and didn't want to update until I figured out how to move on from that part. 
> 
> Now, about the Blades. It's not a secret organization anymore, so I figured they would test and train recruits before finally allowing them to go through the trials. Zethrid and Ezor were tested just so they could join the Galras as a whole in this new episode of their lives. You know, past criminals, tried to kill Keith and all that. But I'll go back to talking about them in the future.
> 
> The reason why I made Sam the new Admiral and not Shiro is because - I just like it. Simple as that lmao. But I thought that by giving Shiro the second in command position, he'd be more free to pilot the Atlas should he need, as the Admiral would likely have to stay in the Garrison as much as possible. Also, should he ever think about retiring (god, I still can't get over that) he'd be more open to the idea if he weren't at the top of the ranks. 
> 
> Next we'll have see some of Daibazaal, the first Paladin reunion and the beginning of that thing I still can't stomach. Enjoy!!

**Author's Note:**

> This is the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAF1kC8_MVg) Heath used to sing.
> 
> As usual, my thanks to both [Mari](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahreemari/) and [Yuu](https://twitter.com/strawburymealiv) for helping me out with this. 
> 
> | [tumblr](https://chinarai.tumblr.com/) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/chinaraii) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/chinarai) |


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